They can kill people unnecessarily, uncompassionately and unfairly
unless possessed only by the proper authorities.
Yesterday, deeply concerned about the end of the world predicted for today, I was faced with making a difficult decision: should I drink all of my remaining rum or save a bit for later? I enjoyed a tot or two and decided not to decide. Instead, I consulted my highly placed confidential source at the White House concerning the World’s second gravest concern, privately owned weapons. This encouraging article, showing how far President Obama is ahead of us all, resulted.
According to my confidential informant, the Teleprompter of the United States (TOTUS), President Obama has drafted a far reaching Executive Decree. If Vice President Biden’s weapon control study group fails promptly to devise a final solution which the President deems fitting and proper, he will issue his Decree immediately. The anticipated text of the Decree, the execution of which will be fast-tracked, follows:
By virtue of the supreme authority vested in me as the President of the United States, and in order to restore peace, fairness, freedom and tranquility throughout the land so that all can once again be proud of our nation, it is hereby decreed:
I. A special commission, hereinafter referred to as the Weapons Control Commission, is hereby established and will, no later than thirty days following the effective date of this Order:
1. Identify all weapons capable of being used in the commission of assaults now in the hands of unauthorized non-governmental persons and other entities. All non-governmental persons and entities shall be deemed, without exception, to be unauthorized. Only Federally employed persons and other Federal entities shall be deemed to be authorized for purposes of this Executive Decree. Non-Federal governmental employees and other governmental entities hereafter found to be sufficiently responsible may from time to time be granted authorization by a Commission for Public Safety, to be established by an Executive Decree to be promulgated if and when the President shall deem it appropriate.
2. Identify the most expedient methods of confiscating all weapons identified in item 1, supra;
3. Establish procedures by which governmental authorities, to be specified in accordance with item 4, infra, are to implement the methods specified in item 2, supra;
4. Investigate, determine and specify with all reasonable precision which governmental persons and other governmental entities are to be directed to act in compliance with the methods and procedures determined in accordance with items 2 and 3, supra;
5. Identify the foreign nations and other foreign entities to which confiscated weapons are be donated and establish the methods by which those donations can most fairly and efficiently be made;
6. Establish fair and reasonable dates by which the procedures and methods identified above are to have been fully implemented and accomplished. The dates for implementation and accomplishment shall be no later than July 4, 2013 and February 22, 2014, respectively;
7. The report of the Weapons Control Commission shall be delivered to the President no later than February 20, 2013.
8. The findings, procedures and time tables set forth by the Weapon Control Commission shall be subject to such additions and modifications as the President of the United States shall, in his sole judgment, deem fit and proper;
9. As revised in compliance with item 8, supra, the report of the Weapons Control Commission shall be issued within three days of the completion of such Presidential action and shall be subject to no congressional, judicial or other review.
II. This Executive Decree shall be effective immediately upon issuance.
Upon issuing his Executive Decree, President Obama is expected to deliver the following public statement, believed likely to be acclaimed by all patriotic Americans:
My fellow Americans, we are all deeply saddened by the recent deaths of innocents at the hands of non-governmental gun users, whose actions were caused by extremist and otherwise diabolical supporters of what they wrongly call “gun rights” which, they wrongly claim, cannot be limited constitutionally.
Let me be perfectly clear: We all know that according to the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution, “the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” If there were such a right, I would of course be the first to respect it just as I have consistently respected all rights and obligations proclaimed by the Constitution. However, I am proud to say that there is not now, nor has there ever been, any “right” “to keep and bear Arms” in the United States or in any civilized nation.
[Pause for wild applause from all members of the independent mass media.]
State and local governments have occasionally granted gun privileges by granting licenses to private citizens to own, bear and even use guns. That demonstrates, conclusively, that no “right” is involved.
Licenses are granted to give people, governmentally deemed worthy of them, the privileges of driving automobiles, practicing medicine, practicing law and the like. Licenses are not needed, and therefore are not issued, to give people their constitutionally guaranteed human rights such as to vote, freely to exercise appropriate religions, to be provided free birth control and abortifacient devices and to speak inoffensively. Put simply, Americans do not need licenses to exercise their rights; they need them only to exercise those privileges that governments have, often unwisely, granted through the licensing process. It is indisputable that licenses to exercise privileges can be revoked, and that governments can refuse to issue additional licenses granting them, constitutionally.
Following the recommendations of the Weapons Control Commission, which I may in my complete discretion chose to modify, I intend by further Executive Decree to order all States and other governmental entities to revoke all weapon licenses and to refrain from issuing more.
[Pause for prolonged wild standing applause from all members of the independent mass media.]
By banning all guns, the recent discussion about what is, and what is not, an “assault weapon” becomes moot. Since all guns can be used to commit assaults, no further discussion of the definition is necessary, appropriate or will be entertained.
More is needed and we can’t wait. Although recent crises caused by the use of guns have been widely publicized, merely banning guns would not contribute enough to the peace and tranquility of our great, free and democratic nation. Therefore, my Executive Decree calls for the identification of all types of Privately Owned Weapons (POWs) and the establishment of suitable means to rid America of them. Life will be far more fair, democratic, peaceful and tranquil with no privately owned guns, knives, forks, clubs, hammers, screwdrivers, automobiles, explosives or any other Weapons of Mindless Destruction (WMDs) capable of use in assaults. Prohibition of those and other WMDs will cause little or no inconvenience for law abiding, compliant Americans because my Government will provide all that is needed, thereby further stimulating our great economy.
I call upon all patriotic Americans fully to support my next Executive Decree, to be finalized when the findings and proposals of the Weapons Control Commission, as I may modify them, have been released.
Thank you and may we all soon live together in a happier, more compassionate, fairer, more just and more productive nation where freedom from constant tribulation caused by the current mindless use of civilian assault weapons of many types abounds.
Although the members of the Weapons Control Commission have not yet been announced, they are thought likely to include Attorney General Eric Holder, Mayor Rahm Emanuel, Professor William Ayers, Piers Morgan of CNN, Jane Fonda of Vietnam, Senator Diane Feinstein and our gracious First Lady, Michelle Obama. The best and the brightest, they are certain to bring their well known objectivity, fairness, compassion, wisdom and great thirst for peace, freedom, justice and tranquility to their deliberations.
Upon issuance of President Obama’s public statement, vast numbers of patriotic Americans — citizens as well as documented and undocumented lawful residents — led by Big Bird, First Lady Michelle Obama and our impartial mass media, will be ordered to give public thanks to President Obama for his unsurpassed leadership, wisdom, constitutional scholarship, compassion and fairness. The date of their historic assemblage will doubtless be decreed a mandatory public holiday in perpetuity. Due to its racist nature and the adverse economic impact of excessive numbers of holidays, much thought is being given at the highest levels to eliminating Thanksgiving.
Now, more even than previously, President Obama is demonstrating that he deserves not only his Nobel Peace Prize but also his selection by the World’s preeminent voice of the People, Time Magazine, as Person of the Year for his unprecedentedly successful efforts to transform America.