In a little reported but much appreciated Friday evening news dump, Attorney General Holder responded to recent statements that only 1.8 million dead people are registered to vote in the United States. He professed shock and profound dismay at the very small number. In proclaiming the rights of the unliving, he confirmed that they retain all of the constitutional rights they had prior to becoming, often involuntarily and through no fault of their own, unliving. As is only just, they must — and therefore will — also be accorded all constitutional rights subsequently created by the Federal Government and its courts. He promised that immediate steps are being and will continue to be taken to remedy all injustices against the unliving.
At General Holder’s request, the following public proclamation is hereby posted.
Proclamation of the Attorney General.
That only 1.8 million dead people — the unliving — are registered to vote in United States elections is a national disgrace. That is a pitifully small number in view of the massively greater number of unliving United States citizens whose voter registrations have been revoked, depriving them of their voting rights. It amply demonstrates the irrational necrophobia that still infests the nation, despite my best efforts and those of many others to eradicate similarly invidious causes of discrimination.
The Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution provides,
All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.
The Twenty-Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution provides,
The right of citizens of the United States, who are eighteen years of age or older, to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of age.
It has never been conclusively determined, judicially or otherwise, that the Constitution permits death, or governmental action based merely on one’s status as unliving, to rescind citizenship. Accordingly, to deny or otherwise to infringe upon the rights of the unliving, eighteen years old or older, to vote violates the Constitution. Steps are therefore being taken as promptly as possible to require all states to restore all unliving citizens, eighteen years old or older, to the voting rolls from which they were unconstitutionally removed.
Some may argue, unpersuasively, that the unliving appear to be incapable of thought; some may be, but that hardly means that all or even many are. Moreover, even if some of our unliving citizens may be incapable of thought they cannot on that basis be distinguished from the many undead citizens who exercise their electoral rights freely. It has never been conclusively determined that inability to think is a bar to voting, and to discriminate against the unliving in favor or the undead on that frivolous basis is as disgraceful as it is pernicious.
It is true that the unliving are physically unable unassisted to do some things, including getting to voting places. But so are many of the differently enabled undead, who must be assisted in accordance with law. For example,
Disabled Americans have a constitutionally protected fundamental right to vote, just like the rest of us. Beyond this constitutional protection, federal and state laws ensure access to voting places and systems. Election officials must comply with these regulations to avoid litigation. The law gives disabled voters the same opportunity to vote as able bodied citizens, even if extra assistance by election officials or poll workers is required. For example one election law expert suggested offering curb side voting for disabled voters administered by trained poll workers. In general, polling places and workers must be sensitive to the needs of the disabled and make good faith efforts to provide at least the minimum of statutorily defined accommodations at each site.
Just as disabilities involving confinement to a wheelchair or hospital bed cannot lawfully be allowed to prevent any undead citizen eighteen years old or older from voting, neither can unabilities, such as result from death, confinement in a coffin or in a memorial urn, lawfully be permitted to extinguish the voting rights any citizen, unliving or undead. That the unabilities of some may be greater than those of others is not a legitimate basis for governments in the United States further to worsen them. Instead, it is a sound basis for eliminating the adverse consequences of their unabilities to the greatest extent humanly possible.
The unliving obviously find it not only inconvenient but impossible to obtain voter ID cards with (or without) photos, unlawfully required in some rogue states. As I have often asserted, I will use to the best of my ability the high office of Attorney General of the United States to nullify those and comparably discriminatory requirements for all.
I have suggested to President Obama and — demonstrating once again his remarkable constitutional scholarship — he immediately agreed that the Federal Government will promptly arrange to exhume, or otherwise to retrieve from their urns and other depositories, all unliving United States citizens, eighteen years old or older, so that they can vote. Those who do not desire to be exhumed or other retrieved for that purpose can, of course, grant their informed consent to continued efforts to discriminate against them. I doubt that many will do so.
President Obama will soon issue an executive order postponing all federal, state and local elections until all of these necessary steps have been successfully implemented. To do otherwise would discriminate invidiously against the unliving and in favor of the undead. The process should take only a few years, probably until 2016, because most of the unliving are shovel ready. In the interim, the Congress will soon be dissolved due to the constitutional impossibility of holding congressional elections this year under an egregiously flawed system. The Executive Branch and the Federal Courts will continue to function because that is necessary for national security purposes as well as to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.
Notice: The above is an attempt at satire and may unentirely true.