It must. Thus spake a rapporteur dispatched by the Union Nation (U.N.) Human Rights Council. Although reversion seems only fitting, President Obama has a higher and better use for what will soon be
known to all as Mount Michelle.
The esteemed U.N. Human Rights Council, known for its tireless and heroic efforts to
diminish defend human rights without regard to place, race, fear, favor, sanity or reality, dispatched an impartial rapporteur from the University of Arizona to investigate shocking human rights violations long perpetrated by the imperialist United States. At the conclusion of his investigation, he asked the United States to cede back to Indigenous Americans various lands wrongfully stolen from them. Those lands include the Black Hills of South Dakota, site of ill-named Mount Rushmore. Should his request be granted, the way will become clear to demand that all lands similarly stolen over thousands of years from indigenous persons everywhere be ceded by the current governments. That is a characteristically reasonable request; governments, past or present, either wrongfully deprived them of their human rights or continue to do so.
The “U.N. Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Persons (UNDRIP), which the U.S. long opposed and then, in an Obama turnabout last year, decided to support,” demonstrates ample moral necessity for this request. However, the rapporteur met with a chilly reception at the Congress when attempting to present it.
Still, all is well; President Obama contravenes the will of the Congress only when there is no suitable alternative. He has in mind, and will now begin to implement, a higher and better use for Mount Rushmore. He finds great comfort in knowing that he will not have to contravene Congress’ will in doing so. If it were to have favored the reversion of Mount Rushmore to an Indigenous Tribe, he might have had to implement a less satisfactory fallback plan, using Mount Trashmore. While appropriately scenic, it is a less well known former landfill in Illinois rising a mere sixty-five feet.
President Obama intends to change the name to Mount Michelle, in honor of a much revered Blackfoot Indian, and then to make a few characteristically humble and bipartisan modifications to the existing statuary.
He will announce the issuance of the first executive order of his renewed presidency at his coming inauguration and will offer his innovative plan as but one of the many changes he will make as he gains
flexibility and power experience in office. Only a few billion dollars will be needed and his military forces will do most of the work, diverting any necessary funds from their warmongering. The plan will doubtless be received by all with the great enthusiasm it so richly deserves. Later, when the work has been finished, a highly regarded person of color and prolific contributor to the Pow Wow Cook Book, Elizabeth Warren, will deliver the invocation at a pow wow ceremony to be held when the new statuary is unveiled. National week long annual holidays will be ordered to commemorate the historic ceremony in perpetuity.