An advance copy of this beautiful letter came mysteriously into my possession. President Obama may not have written it with his very own hand, but it is no less dignified or candid than his previous epistles.
I am for the very first time in my life truly proud to post it here.
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July 4, 2012
Formerly just another foolish “Independence Day”
VERY SPECIAL DAY
This is My Day so I am sending you a very special personal message from aboard my airplane, Barack Obama Won or BOW for short. Some may still call it “Air Force One,” but it’s mine, all mine. Now. But only with your help can I keep it. Once again, I am flying high above parts of the country that I had been pleased to fly over many times before as your devoted President while hard at work on matters of state so crucial to our very national survival that you can not even imagine them. My tasks on his flight are even more daunting.
Let me get straight to the point because I know you are very busy working to help me. My reelection campaign is fast and furiously running out of money so I need your cash and I need it now! We can’t wait! My firm belief that you will help me in this historic time of unprecedented crisis is all I have left to inspire me to defeat the forces of evil facing the country that I, Michelle and our lovely daughters have become so very proud of.
I would never dream of stooping to personal insults like my grossly over-funded opponent “Mittens” — the rich outsourcing Mormon equity capitalist Republican opportunist scumbag — does. While my entire life has always been a completely open book, we know hardly anything about his shady life because he has intentionally kept us all in the dark. Think about it for just a second. Do you even know when or where he was born or how poorly he did in school? We do know for sure that he has always been a cruel bully of the most despicable type. He wields the very worst possible forces for evil imaginable and it is our sacred duty and most important goal to defeat him. Make no mistake about it! My defeat at filthy, rich, capitalist and wicked hands such as his would be the worst thing that could happen to me — it would forever tarnish my historic legacy and I might never again even look at myself in the mirror.
I can’t legally sell the White House silverware or even the furniture in my oval office, but I’m so desperate that I may have to do it unless you help me. You, my dearest friend, must help me because only with your selfless and patriotic efforts can I hope to Win this election fairly and squarely like I have always done!
I have already offered generous but otherwise insignificant donors like yourself chances to win free dinners with me and spacious seats on my campaign bus that even Michelle wouldn’t fill. Sadly, that has not worked nearly well enough. Here, therefore, is your very last and best chance ever — available today only for you, my dearest friend, to receive something far, far better than ever before. Just donate three measly dollars or however much more you can find. Please, I beg of you. It’s not for me. It’s for your own good! Remember, by sending all the money you might otherwise waste on wedding, anniversary and birthday gifts, jingoistic bird killing fireworks displays or other gaudy celebrations of disgustingly false patriotism, you will do tremendous good for our country. As the late great President Kennedy — in whose very footsteps I now run — told us, “ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country” and therefore for me!
When you help me in my vital patriotic quest, I will personally enter you automatically in drawings to win treasures I cherish so deeply that I could not part with any of them for any other reason. But I will do it for my country and for You, my dearest friend, just as I do everything else as Your President!
Please tell me immediately which treasure you most desperately want to win so that I myself can hope and pray that you will win it. Your choices are,
♥ My original birth certificate sent to you as soon as the Government Printing Office creates it, the ink dries and I have autographed it personally just for you,
♥ A once in a lifetime chance to receive any item of your choice from a discretely selected collection of discarded garments previously enjoyed by my beautiful and frugal Michelle
♥ A bag full of hair from my very own head that I reluctantly had trimmed years ago when I answered my call to serve our country in high public office. It has brought back many happy memories of my youth as I have fondled it daily. Soon you may be privileged to do the same!
It pains me and my dear family to have to part with these treasures, but I need the money now so that I can continue to serve you right in the coming years.
Please, I beg of you: Give till it hurts and then give me even more. Remember — I alone may have kept you from being deported back to some other filthy, racist, impoverished, corrupt, drug infested and crime ridden country. That alone should be worth a lot and my slimy wealthy opponent who hates you would do anything his evil heart might desire if he defeats me. Remember too how much I have already helped you to save through my Affordable Health Care Act. Just think what might happen to Your savings if “Mittens” defeats me and gets his filthy hands on those savings. It’s so simple that even a little child can do it! Remember the clarion call of these dear little children only a few years ago!
With them firmly in mind, just enter here for the opportunity of a lifetime:
Now, I must reluctantly get to work on other less important matters also critical to our very national survival. My mother thanks you, my father thanks you, my daughters thank you, my wife thanks you, all of the little children of the world thank you, our country thanks you and I thank you.
Believe me, I shall ever remain
Your humble and very best friend ever,
Barack H. Obama
No purchase, payment, or contribution necessary to enter or win. Contributing will not improve chances of winning, sucker. Void where prohibited. Entries must be postmarked by Midnight on July 4, 2012 and received no later than 7:00 a.m. the following day. You may enter by contributing to the Obama Victory Fund 2012 here or click here to enter without contributing if you are a stupid jerk and want to be added to my growing enemies list. Each of the lucky winners will receive a prize as specified in the special message above. Odds of winning depend on number of timely entries received. Promotion open only to U.S. citizens, residents of all 57 of the United States, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico who are 18 or older (or age of majority under applicable law). Promotion subject to Official Rules and additional restrictions on eligibility. Giggle. To make it simple, just mail your freewill contribution to: ObamaNation, 130 N. Randolph St., Chicago, IL 12345.
PS: Mail me lots of money now at the address provided above and I’ll remember you when I am reelected.
Even if you can’t mail your contribution today, do it tomorrow or as soon as you possibly can. I’ll still do my best to help you in any way I can, and I’ll have lots more power to do that if reelected.