Confidential sources of inside information are now very popular. This article is based solely my highly confidential source, the recently restored to duty Teleprompter of the United Status, the Very Honorable Mr. I.M. Totus.
According to The Very Honorable Mr. Totus, he was restored to duty after the replacement teleprompter used by President Obama upstaged him grossly, as shown in the photo to the left. Despite the great affection Mr. Totus currently feels for President Obama, he may still have a few silicon chips dedicated to the welfare of the nation of his creation. That may be the reason he has told me about a new Executive Order drafted by President Obama, to be issued soon after November 6th and well before January 20th if the forces of evil prevail on November 6th. Again according to Mr. Totus, President Obama is convinced that there would then be good and sufficient reasons for him to do so. Should the forces of good prevail instead, only some of it may be issued from time to time after November 6th. The draft text of the order is provided below.
Issued this Seventh Day of November, 2012, hereafter known as
The First Day of the Reign of King Barack I.
By the supreme authority wisely vested in me, I hereby declare that a National State of Extreme Emergency now exists, requiring that I grant the United States a far superior and less complex New Constitution so that the Nation can continue to lead the world in every way as has been the case during My Administration. Despite My unsurpassed brilliance, leadership and the opening of My heart and mind to those less fortunate, partisan bickering by My countless malicious enemies has made it impossible even for Me to cause the seas completely to cease their rise or to bring peace and prosperity to all of My people. In the face of the unprecedented Extreme National Emergency facing the United States, it is my duty as your President to deal with it promptly and decisively.
WHEREAS, to ensure the continued progress of our beloved Nation, of which my dear wife and I have long been proud, it is now necessary to revoke the Old Constitution and to adopt a New Constitution in its place and stead.
NOW, THEREFORE, by virtue of the supreme powers vested in Me, this New Constitution of the United States is hereby proclaimed and adopted.
ARTICLE I. The Old United States Constitution, as from time to time amended, is hereby repealed, rescinded and shall hereafter have no legitimacy or effect. All laws adopted pursuant to it are also hereby repealed and rescinded and shall henceforth have no legitimacy or effect. Accordingly, the present form of Government is hereby abolished, as are all legislative, judicial, regulatory and other bodies purportedly heretofore created or established thereunder.
ARTICLE II. The New Form of Government set forth below is hereby established.
Section 1. (a) There shall be one King, the powers of whom shall be limited only as expressly set forth in this New Constitution. The King shall serve at the pleasure of The People until two thirds of all voters in the Nation unequivocally demand that He be deposed and replaced. (b) Upon the death of The King, His designated Successor shall immediately become The King.
Section 2. The current President of the United States shall be The King of the Nation immediately upon adoption of this New Constitution.
Section 3. A Committee of Intellectuals shall be designated and appointed by The King within ten days of the adoption of this New Constitution, each member to serve at the Pleasure of The King and to be replaced should The King, in His sole discretion, deem that appropriate.
Section 4. A Committee of Common People shall be designated and appointed by The Committee of Intellectuals as soon as it may find it convenient to do so. Members of the Committee of Common People shall serve at the pleasure of The Committee of Intellectuals and may be removed and replaced on the vote of a simple majority of the members of The Committee of Intellectuals assembled for that purpose. The Committee of Common People shall advise The Committee of Intellectuals concerning the hopes, desires, aspirations and fears of the Common People. Membership in The Committee of Common People shall not be permitted by The Committee of Intellectuals to fall below one hundred or to rise above one thousand.
Section 5. All Laws of the Nation shall be promulgated by the King by Royal Edict, after such consultation as he shall in His sole discretion deem appropriate with The Committee of Intellectuals. Such laws shall have full force and effect upon promulgation.
Section 6. All military forces under the command of the States and of the United States shall immediately upon adoption of this New Constitution be released from such commands and placed under the absolute command of The King as The National Military.
Section 7. All persons over the age of twelve years and present in the Nation on the day of an election shall have full rights of suffrage.
Section 8. There shall be no elections in the Nation other than referenda on whether to replace The King and, if so, to designate his replacement.
Section 9. Elections shall be called only by Joint Declaration of The Committee of Intellectuals and The Committee of Common People in Joint Assembly, upon the affirmative vote of two-thirds vote of all members of The Committee of Intellectuals and affirmative vote of three-fourths of the members of The Committee of Common People then present.
Section 10. The Election herein permitted shall be held throughout the Nation within no more than ten nor fewer than nine days following issuance of the Joint Declaration as provided in Section 9.
Section 11. Upon issuance of the Joint Declaration as specified in Section 9, all media shall make their facilities available fully, freely and without charge or limitation of any kind whatsoever to The King to announce and explain the election, including but not by way of limitation when, where, why and how votes are to be cast. The texts of all such media announcements shall be provided, exclusively, by The King in His absolute discretion.
Section 12. The full resources of the National Military and all Civilian police authorities shall, at the direction of The King, be required to ensure proper order and discipline at all voting places. Such military and police authorities shall promptly take into custody all persons the conduct of whom, including but not by way of limitation through speech, shall be deemed by such authorities in their sole discretion to be disruptive or potentially disruptive of the voicing of the Will of The People. Persons so taken into custody shall remain incarcerated until pardoned by The King.
Section 13. All matters not expressly set forth in this New Constitution shall be within the sole authority and discretion of The King acting, should he deem it appropriate, upon the advice and consent of The Committee of Intellectuals in joint session assembled with The Committee of Common People.
ARTICLE III. This Constitution shall neither be repealed, amended nor interpreted in any manner or by any means whatsoever other than by Royal Edict of The King. Any attempt to do so or to urge that such be done shall constitute High Treason and shall be punishable as The King shall direct.
Barack H. Obama
King Barack I
Formerly The President and Now
King of the United States of America
It is of course comforting to learn that the Executive Order shown above will not take effect immediately, or possibly later even in part, if President Obama is reelected. It is equally comforting to know that President Obama has had a gratifying post-convention bounce in the polls, suggesting that he may be reelected.
However, a few words of caution seem appropriate since Mr. Totus’ desire to keep his lofty position in the Obama Administration may have prompted him to leak — or even to create on his own — the draft text. It is also possible that he has heard rumors that should Governor Romney win, the privileges granted to him under ObamaCare will be expanded to include full and mandatory lobotomy care, during which his principal memory and logic circuits will be removed and cast into the sandbox from whence they came.
Considering all of those possibilities, many seem likely to sympathize with Mr. Totus and possibly even to have modest concerns about the immediate implementation of the Executive Order should President Obama not be reelected. These may well be the best, or perhaps the only, reasons to vote for him.