Grievously oppressed rabid rats who had sought our brotherhood and compassion were today forced to resort to a workplace disruption.
CHICAGO, Ill. September 12, 2012.
In a previously unreported event this morning, hundreds of rabid rats attacked the American Ambassador to the Nation of Rabid Rats and her colleagues. The workplace disruption occurred at a Federal office building located in a suburb of Chicago, Illinois. Police assistance was limited because most police authorities had been diverted to the Windy City due to reports of marauding groups of Chicago public school youth who were celebrating an unanticipated holiday. Recently appointed Ambassador Debbie Washerwoman-Schultz had been dispatched by the State Department’s Office of Species Tolerance and Diversity and was to be assisted by thirty-one non-rabid rats employed by the State Department.
The ambassador’s task was to persuade officials of the League of Rabid Rats that peaceful co-existence would advance not only their noble causes of world peace and species diversity, but that other causes dear to them would also be advanced because President Obama had already accepted their most significant demands. Those include the following, to be accomplished by Executive Order because, as President Obama wisely proclaimed, “We can’t wait:”
♥ A twenty billion dollar grant to establish Ratsques for the re-education of non-rabid species,
♥ A Federal ban on all attempts by the entertainment media falsely to portray rabid rats as less than an exemplary species,
♥ Increased control over school texts to the same end, and
♥ All aspects of President Obama’s historic initiative will be directed by officials of the League of Rabid Rats.
According to a White House statement released shortly after the alleged workplace disruption, President Obama had previously agreed to these points and is now considering additional unspecified concessions as well as how best to apologize for the abysmal failures of the United States properly to recognize and applaud their vast contributions to scientific advances in epidemiology and elsewhere.
Some political candidates, doubtless for partisan political advantage, had claimed that information on the sensitive matter of concessions had been leaked by unnamed Democrat contributors in Hollywood, possibly to encourage the League of Rabid Rats to assert additional demands that they favor. The White House statement indicated that should there be further disgusting attempts to gain partisan advantage by proving that Hollywood Democrat contributors had in fact been given sensitive classified information and that they had fed it to the League of Rabid Rats, further leaks to the Hollywood motion picture industry may have be curtailed in the near future to preclude similarly partisan slanders.
Of the thirty-one non-rabid rats assisting the Ambassador, eleven were killed along with the Ambassador, for which President Obama also noted his profound regret that it had become necessary. There have been unconfirmed reports that unknown numbers of the surviving twenty non-rabid rats may have provided intelligence briefings and other assistance to the rabid rats in preparing for the ambassadorial mission, in which the League of Rabid Rats had earlier agreed to participate. An appropriate investigation into these slanders will be made if and when necessary.
Although there have been recent sightings of other rabid non-humans in the United States, including poorly disguised members of TEA groups wearing Uncle Sam costumes and other subversive attire, we have been unable to confirm whether convincing suggestions of any connection with this morning’s workplace disruption have yet been discovered. Readers are urged to contact the official White House If You See Something, Say Something web site with all leads. All leads will be referred to the Attorney General and other appropriate law enforcement officials for immediate action.
A spokesrat for the League of Rabid Rats issued this statement to the press shortly after their necessary expressions of frustration during the workplace disruption noted above had occurred:
For centuries if not for eons, beloved members of our holy group have been insulted and murdered by the forces of evil. The numbers of rat traps have increased disgustingly, even in urban areas. In the demented minds of our oppressors, there is no path for us but submission to their own will. We despise them and will never yield. They must submit to us! That is the incontrovertible will of Allahrat!
Brother and sister Rabid Rats, we must stand together or we will all be subjugated separately. Stand with us in this Holy War! There will be free cheese without limit in paradise for all who sacrifice their sacred lives for our noble cause. We shall prevail, Allahrat willing!
As there are further developments, we will report them following consultation with our embedded advisers from the Federal Department of True Information.
We now bring you this important message, just received, from the League of Rabid Rats:
In this time of tribulation, everyone must reflect upon the terrible slights an inferior society has directed at the noble Rabid Rat. Never in history has the Rabid Rat been given its proper place in society. Even the lowly mouse, due its dishonorable willingness to submit to gross commercial exploitation, has fared far better:
It has long been and now clearly is our turn to be recognized forever as the most superior of all of Allahrat’s beings as we clearly are, without commercial or other vicious exploitation, and We Shall be!
More as it happens!