Maths instruction is insidious. Were the Al-Gebra maths conspiracy to continue unabated, Lord Obama’s highly detailed, specific and otherwise brilliantly bi-partisan plans to salvage the national economy with fuzzy math (the only math approved by the Department of Education) might come to be regarded as misguided and possibly even bad for the nation.
That cannot be permitted to happen and Attorney General Holder’s troops will make it stop. They must not fail. Were they to fail, we could be forced to suffer the consequences of trickonometry, pain and sordid geometry and even kalculis, cancerous growths all on the body politic. What might then be next? Logical analysis and (gasp)
herhistory, spelling and even English grandma. Those horrors would be visited upon our unsuspecting and innocent High Skol and Kolledge students! Soon, government employees even might be infected. As good citizens, we can not and must not permit such national disgraces to consume our children, our culture and us.
Fortunately, we have many dedicated and highly competent (although sadly underpaid) teachers capable of reeducating any misguided youth ensnared by Al-Gebra and similar conspiracies. We need only increase their pitiful wages and dreadful working conditions to encourage them to do so.
A public school teacher was arrested by the F.B.I. today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At an early-morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder stated his belief that the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
Holder did not identify the man, who has been charged by the F.B.I. with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
“Al-Gebra is a serious threat to the United States”, the Attorney General said. “They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’, and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’; but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval, with coordinates in every country. As…
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