Dennis Rodman’s successful diplomatic stint in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, while enjoying the legendary hospitality of Dear Leader Kim Jong-un, has generated great excitement and anticipation.
Now it is President Obama’s turn at bat.
Dear Leader Kim, like Dear Leader Obama, is a life-long fan of basketball and now has a new friend-for-life, Rod Man San, once an NBA star.
Rod Man San has finished his initial efforts to advance United States’ diplomacy in the “Hermit Kingdom.” It was difficult, but he did it.
They’re officially best friends now, and maybe it really will last forever. Together, the nose ring-wearing, cross-dressing former basketball star and the North Korean strongman – er, boy – just might change the world.
I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
They were certainly a pair of crazy, fun loving guys during their time together in Pyongyang last week. Dennis Rodman showed Kim Jong Un some of the finer points of basketball, and the North Korean ruler was so impressed he raided the country’s stock of fine food and drink for a party that lasted well into the night.
“Guess what, I love him,” the clearly smitten Rodman said. “The guy’s really awesome.”
That was only the beginning, rather than the end, of his patriotic efforts. Rod Man San will soon return to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (“DPRK” or “North Korea”) with a perhaps even better known celebrity, O Ba-ma San. They will play “hoops.” As I understand the expression, “hoops” (not to be confused with “whoops” or “hopes”), refers to a mutant form of basketball in which contestants attempt to best each other in tossing a basketball through a hoop. This time it will be different.
The contest will take place in Pyongyang, making O Ba-ma San the first sitting President of the United States ever to visit there. Before the contest, he and Rod Man San will enjoy a guided tour of Pyongyang and see, first hand, how well the little people live. That may well be O Ba-ma San’s main interest in traveling to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea because it will almost certainly give him many ideas on how to provide more comfortable lives for his own little people in the Democratic People’s Republic of the United States.
The hoops to be used by Rod Man San and O Ba-ma San will be substantially larger than those normally used. Rather than a basketball, the contestants will attempt to toss each other through the hoops as commanded by Dear Leader Kim. Since he is well known for fairness, maturity, common sense and reasonableness, his commands are not expected to give either contestant an unfair advantage.
Should Rod Man San win — doubtful in view of O Ba-ma San’s historic proficiency in basketball — Dear Leader Kim will award him an all expense paid guided tour of the various alleged “gulags” scattered throughout North Korea. During the tour — should he wish it to end as scheduled — he will wax enthusiastic to the delight of internationally revered news reporters and their accompanying video crews from both the DPRK and the United States. They will also see for themselves the resort-like comfort in which the residents pass their happy days while gorging on sumptuous meals no less delicious and nutritious than those enjoyed by Dear Leader himself. Following the tour, Rod Man San will return to the United States where he is expected to correct public misunderstandings about the human rights situation in the DPRK.
Should O Ba-ma San win, the prize will be even more important to our own national security as well as to that of our puppet regime to the south: Dear Leader Kim will not terminate as threatened the 1953 truce between the North and South, a non-action certain to bring countless years of peace and happiness to the entire peninsula. That alone will permit President O Ba-ma to divert substantial financial and other resources from wasteful military spending to his far more important social programs, modeled after those recently seen in heavenly Pyongyang.
To make perfectly clear — even to
illiterate lamentably confused conservatives — that North Korea has no desire to develop aggressive nuclear capabilities, Dear Leader will immediately transfer at least half of his own nuclear arsenal and technology to our peace-loving mutual friends in Iran. That will be an historic first, no previous transfer of such materials or technology ever having been reliably documented by the legitimate media. U.S. naval vessels will be used for transport soon after Dear Leader arranges with his Iranian counterpart for their safe journey and entry.
O Ba-ma San is thought likely to respond to these remarkably hospitable gestures by sending many tons of desperately needed caviar, brandy and Rolex watches in the naval vessels dispatched to North Korea. Following discharge of their cargo there for the little people, the vessels will proceed fully loaded to Iran with whatever Dear Leader desires.
Dear Leader O Ba-ma’s remarkable successes in joining with his Seoul mate, Dear Leader Kim Jong-un, to bless us with peace in our time may not be a truly historic first for them both but it may well be even more important for the future of the Earth than any other. It may even rival the successes of Casey at the Bat, memorialized in this delightful transposition for our own time by Barry Rubin, one of O Ba-ma San’s biggest fans.
Sorry, despite the palpable interest of all, it seems neither right nor proper to reproduce the rest of it here. Therefore, it will be necessary to go to the source to read it all.