More Federal studies and grants are needed
and we can’t wait.
Editor’s note: This is a guest post by the Very Honorable Ima Librul, Senator from the great State of
Confusion Utopia. He recently explained some of his difficulties in growing pineapples and focuses here on other major problems and opportunities facing modern American society. We are privileged to have a post of this caliber by a quintessential Librul such as the Senator. He is a charter member of President Obama’s Go For It Team, a senior member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and Chairman of the Meretricious Relations Subcommittee. He is also justly proud of his expertise in the care and breeding of green unicorns, for which his Save the Unicorns Foundation has received substantial Federal grants. Without further delay, here is the good Senator’s article:
On June 2nd, this site posted a disgracefully unbalanced and silly bit of snark about a Health and Human Services website called girls’ health that encourages young (ten to sixteen year old) girls to explore their sexuality and perhaps discover their glorious inner lesbianism.
Some like to believe that the human race has survived because we are more intelligent than other life forms. However, looking at all conservatives and even some Republicans, there is no reason to accept this as even a highly tentative hypothesis. Indeed, many humans are still raised disgracefully, to and even well into adulthood, by two parent families — far too many of them sadly including only one male and one female parent. Federal outreach efforts such as those by HHS are obviously necessary and proper for the rational functioning of our society.
Incredibly, the human race had managed to survive for eons without the benefits of HHS’ vast wisdom. Immeasurably successful already, it is high time for us to share it with as many as possible of our fellow travelers on this fragile planet, Mother Earth. Given into our keeping by the Great Goddess Gaia, she would be extremely disappointed were we to do otherwise.
Lacking such benefits as Facebook, television programming and even political correctness, the birds, bees and others must all have been doing “it” wrong for eons — despite the indubitable benefits of not having a “free” press, whatever that might be. Are they happy? Satisfied? That does not matter. It must stop — for their own good — so that ways can be found to provide free contraceptives, abortions and all other modern advantages. Then, our little friends will be able to enjoy unlimited sex while giving no thought to the consequences beyond the pleasures of posting their adventures at Facebook and other media of social intercourse. That is their absolute right, along with all the other wonders now selfishly given only to humans. How many little birds, bees and skunks get their fair share even of food stamps? As far as we know, not even one! They have been deprived of their rights in so many ways that I can’t even begin to count them.
First things first, however. Federally funded studies are needed to determine exactly what they
may have been doing wrong. Although such allegedly insignificant creatures do not use electronic devices, file income tax returns or even apply for tax-exempt status, we are obligated to do all that we can to for them; it’s for their own good regardless of whether they realize and appreciate it.
The owner of this site has advised me that in Panamá a few years ago he met a young lady who, armed with a Federal (U.S.) grant, was investigating the monogamous habits of termites. Whether such habits were seen initially as good or bad I neither know nor care, but they were doubtless well worth the effort and expenditure to study.
Gentle creatures though termites clearly are, birds, bees, monkeys and many others are no less deserving of Federally funded study and the benign assistance it always brings. Who and what isn’t? Surely, there is no basis for invidious discrimination and many if not most other species can also be characterized as deprived. That alone mandates federally supported studies of each as vitally necessary to their futures as well as to the future of the nation — indeed of Mother Earth. This the politically correct, Librul, way to proceed so we had better do it now lest Gaia again become enraged and punish us with greater horrors even than the consequences of climate change — for which we humans must also take sole responsibility.
We must go ever forward and we can’t wait. If even one little bird, bee, monkey or snake can be saved, it is up to
us all taxpayers to do it, with all appropriate necessary assistance from the IRS.
Go forward now, even if only for the further glory of our loving President and Gaia! Do not wait!
In Obama We Trust! Baaaahhh.