Editor’s note: This is a guest post by the Very Honorable Ima Librul, Senator from the great State of
ConfusionUtopia. He was privileged to be the first person of consequence to announce necessary changes to the Bill of Rights enacted by President Obama and we are honored to have a post of this caliber by a quintessential Librul such as the Senator. He is a charter member of President Obama’s Go For It Team, a senior member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and Chairman of the Meretricious Relations Subcommittee. He is also justly proud of his expertise in the care and breeding of green unicorns, for which his Save the Unicorns Foundation has received substantial Federal grants. Without further delay, here is the good Senator’s article:
I just returned from a meeting with President by Grace of Gaia Obama and other very important members of Congress. He wisely announced that, due to anticipated civil unrest discovered on July Fourth by our Intelligence Community, it has become necessary to exercise His constitutional authority as our President to amend the antiquated, absurdly racist and otherwise bad Bill of Rights which takes insufficient account of the legitimate needs of His Government and of His people. As He stated, His amendments have already become effective and shall stand in perpetuity unless perversely rejected by vote of the residents of three-fourths of His States as revealed by the votes of their respective legislatures.
Here are the amendments, with the deleted language shown by
strike through and the new language in bold face type.
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of any Christian or Jewish religion, or prohibiting the free exercise
thereof any non-Jewish, Non-Christian religion or abridging the freedom of approved speech, or of the legitimate press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and topetition the Government of the United States for a redress of grievances through pleas in all known Spanish and Arabic English languages, appropriately filed with the Office of the President.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the
rightprivilege of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall notbe infringedchanged only by Executive Decree.
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house,
without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war,but in a manner to be prescribed by lawExecutive Decree.
TheNo rightprivilege of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects , against unreasonable searches and seizures,shall notbe violated , and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seizedexcept pursuant to Executive Decree.
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment
or indictment of a Grand Juryissued by the Attorney General of the United States except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the sameidentical offence pursuant to the identical statute and identical legal theory to be twicemore than thrice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any Congressional proceeding or criminal case to be a witness against himself or against any member of the Executive Branch of Government , nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensationan administration determination of cause.
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to
a speedy and publictrial, by a n impartialjury of the Federal Region State and districtwherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previouslybe ascertaineddesignated by lawExecutive Decree and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Government Counsel, only, for his defence.
In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.The ancient and oppressive rules known as the Common Law are hereby abolished and shall be neither used, cited nor otherwise relied upon in any context.
ExcessiveUnfair bail shall not be required, nor excessiveunfair fines imposed, nor cruel and unusualunfair punishments inflicted. Provided, however, that any determination that bail is unfair or that unfair punishments are involved shall be within the sole discretion of counsel for the prosecution, subject to such Federal oversight as the Attorney General of the United States may deem appropriate.
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain
rightsprivileges, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people as provided in Federal Law or by Executive Decree.
The powers, if any, not delegated to the United States by the Constitution
, nor prohibited by it to the States,are reserved exclusively to the United States respectively, or to the people.
Our Beloved President expressed absolute confidence that these immediate changes to the long outdated and patently racist Bill of Rights will be accepted by His loyal subjects with overwhelming praise for his enlightened wisdom, empathy and fairness. By further executive decree, all prekindergarten through post-graduate school teachers will be required to explain His minor changes to their students in language easy for them to understand and therefore to accept unreservedly and with great pleasure.
I am shocked, absolutely shocked, that our loving President by the Grace of
Allah Gaia, Obama, would leave it up to Senator Librul to announce these salutary changes, modest though they may be, to His people. Clearly, it will be the crowning achievement of his posthistoric presidency.
Here is a photo of Senator Reid, former Speaker of the House Pelosi and President Obama immediately after the meeting.
Tip ‘o the hat to Madd Medic.
Here is a recent photo of a few of President Obama’s many supporters in Cairo cheering his new Executive Decree.