Having been briefed by top security advisers about North Korea’s
success in landing an astronaut on the Sun,
President Obama today announced His decisive response.
THE STATE News Agency of North Korea has confirmed today that the country has become the first in the world to ever land a man on the sun.
It reported that astronaut Hung Il Gong left for the sun on a specially designed rocket ship at approximately 3 am this morning.
Hung, who traveled alone, reached his destination some four hours later, landing his craft on the far side of the lonely star.
“We are very delighted to announce a successful mission to put a man on the sun.” a North Korean central news anchor man said on a live broadcast earlier. “North Korea has beaten every other country in the world to the sun. Hung Il Gong is a hero and deserves a hero’s welcome when he returns home later this evening.”
The specially trained astronaut is expected to return back to earth at 9 pm tonight, where he will meet his uncle and supreme leader Kim Jong-un.
It is understood that the 17-year-old ‘space explorer’ traveled at night to avoid being engulfed by the suns rays, and that this genius approach has brought the soviet state to the top of the global space rankings.
While on the sun, Mr. Hung collected sun spot samples to bring back to his supreme leader as a present.
Since neither President Obama nor His top security advisers understand the differences between truth and fiction, the President dealt promptly with the existential crisis by announcing heroically decisive measures. Like details of the recent decision to proceed with the P5+1 – Iranian “deal” to eliminate Iran’s threat as an atomic power, details of President Obama’s plans for the Sun are highly classified for security reasons; only a brief White House Summary has been released. It states,
The North Korean dictatorship recently landed an astronaut on the Sun, violating numerous international obligations. In response to that rogue nation’s efforts to assume sovereignty over the Sun, President Obama recruited active duty and recently retired U.S. military officers of flag rank (a partial list of volunteers is available here). He promptly overcame all reluctance to honor their clear patriotic obligations and they are leaving immediately for the Sun to establish a U.S. presence there. Their mission will protect at least two vital U.S. interests:
♦ To prevent further solar colonization attempts by North Korea’s Dictator, Kim Chi-un, and
♦ To demonstrate that the Sun does not cause global warming because it is not all that hot and that massive efforts are still needed to halt and reverse the disastrous effects man-made global warming.
Families of the heroic Sun-bound volunteers were pleased with their relatives’ decisions to honor their patriotic obligations, denying that a report in the South Korean media had influenced their acceptance of the risks involved. The report stated that
North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has executed his uncle’s entire family, including his children and relatives serving as ambassadors to Cuba and Malaysia, according to South Korea’s state news agency, Yonhap.
Jang Song-thaek, a once powerful North Korean military general, was executed last month as divisions between him and his nephew Kim widened.
. . . .
The executed relatives include Jang’s sister Kye-sun, her husband and ambassador to Cuba, Jon Yong-jin, the ambassador to Malaysia, Jang Yong-chol, who is Jang’s nephew, as well as his two sons, the sources said.
Although not mentioned in the White House Summary, a top Obama Administration official stated (under conditions of anonymity because he had not been authorized to speak about sensitive matters) that President Obama is very concerned that North Korea will attempt to emulate the Lunar Defence Obliteration Zone established following China’s Moon landing. The lunar obliteration zone has been described as follows:
Following the successful launch of its first lunar rover, the Chinese government has declared a defensive zone extending vertically from China into space and encompassing the moon.
The Lunar Defense Obliteration Zone, according to newly appointed space minister Wu Houyi, “will protect China’s core interests and interplanetary sovereignty.” All foreign spacecraft, satellites, comets and space debris must notify China before passing through or into the zone.
Due to orbital complications, the boundaries of the LDOZ will shift daily in accordance with the position of the moon relative to its sovereign power. China’s Ministry of Space has issued diagrams of the shifting boundaries, dubbed “the lasso.”
Many countries have disputed China’s ability to establish such a zone, but Chinese officials are adamant about the country’s claim to Earth’s only natural satellite.
Severe blizzard conditions caused by man-made global warming prevented Former Vice President Al Gore from meeting personally with President Obama to discuss His response to the North Korean provocation. However, he announced full support for the President’s decisive efforts.
The text of Mr. Gore’s statement is provided below.
My Warmest and Dearest Friends,
President Obama, a vigorous fighter against man-made global warming, has again taken brilliant, decisive and indeed heroic steps. His current efforts are intended to preserve the international status of the Sun — our only source of solar energy — so important to the world economy and indeed to life on Mother Earth. Without His valiant efforts to save the Sun for future generations we would very likely continue to rely on carbon-based energy sources — the most dangerous sources of man-made global warming ever devised by money-grubbing oil and coal barons and those who enable them.
President Obama and I are united in these efforts and urge everyone to contribute generously to our righteous cause. Cast your votes here to $upport our efforts to preserve life on Earth as we know it by giving until it
Yours in the bowels of Mother Gaia,
President Obama has resolved to devote His full attentions to this critical problem for as long North Korea’s solar war against humanity continues. He has authorized Secretary of State Kerry to do whatever he deems best with respect to Israel’s existential threats to world peace until He is again able to focus on those as well as other less important foreign policy matters.
What can he screw up there?
UPDATE January 28th
Taking another heroic step to retaliate against North Korea, President Obama has joined the West in drowning the nation in Choco Pies.
Choco Pies started making their way onto the North Korean black market at the Kaesong cooperative project. One of them costs less than a dollar in South Korea, and you can buy boxes of them even here in the US for a couple of bucks, but in North Korea, one Choco Pie costs about $10 on the black market. With the average North Korea worker making $100 to $200 a month, one Choco Pie is a huge expense.
However, President Obama has plans, classified as Top Secret, to expand His “good stuff for free” policies to North Korea at least insofar as Choco Pies are concerned.