Anticipating the prompt success of the Israel – Palestine peace process as well as the desired outcome of the P5+1 nuke talks, Secretary Kerry will next devote his efforts to securing peace between the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea and the Republic of Korea.
WASHINGTON, D.C., Happy World News Service. Recent developments make it clear that a Kerry Peace Process agreement between Israel and Palestine is about to be signed, finally bringing lasting peace to the Middle East. Progress there has greatly increased the chances for a successful outcome of the P5+1 negotiations with Iran. The tensions have all but vanished and the talks are moving forward swiftly and well. Indeed, it is almost certain that there will be a final deal of which all should be proud well before the November elections in the United States.
Even though these major foreign policy accomplishments have not yet been digested fully, the Obama Administration is convinced that the same tactics and strategies it used in both will be successful in bringing prompt closure to the spat between North and South Korea. Although minor adjustments will have to be made to take into account differences in geography and cultural perceptions, both President Obama and Secretary Kerry have long dealt successfully with many different cultures and feel confident that they will be no less successful in resolving the almost seventy year long squabble between the North and the South.
A statement issued today by the White House follows:
Office of the President, March 30, 2014
The time has come to put aside all petty misconceptions about North and South Korea, to accord both the respect they so amply deserve and to move forward with the creation of a lasting peace for the region. In doing so, We must — and will — be as scrupulously fair and impartial as We have been in dealing with Israel and Palestine; that is necessary for achievement of a lasting peace.
Although both the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) and the Republic of Korea (ROK) are esteemed members of the international community, only the DPRK includes in its official name the essential concepts that a nation be Democratic and that ownership be by the people. The DPRK also has its unique religion, Kimianity — The Religion of Kim — far superior to other religions (with the exception of Islam) practiced elsewhere because it encourages a healthy uniformity of thought and belief. For these and other reasons, life is good in the DPRK, better and happier even than in the ROK.
In the recent election of DPRK legislators, at least ninety-seven percent of all eligible voters cast their ballots. As expected, the results were substantially unanimous. To promote a similarly cohesive spirit in the South, both nations must be unified under one banner, that of the People’s Democratic Republic of Korea (PDRK), a one state compromise solution that will give legitimacy and true cohesiveness of spirit to the unified nation. This proposal should receive universal acclaim. Should either side reject it, or part of the detailed Kerry Peace Process Framework presented below, we
hope fear that the nations of Europe and the Americas, as well as the other nations of Asia, will find it necessary to show their righteous displeasure by boycotting the offending side.
It has been claimed that Government officials and media of both the DPRK and the ROK have made unfortunate and even bellicose remarks, each about the other. That may possibly be true, even though We have seen no credible evidence of it. However, with proper reunification it will cease. In preparation, Secretary Kerry will seek immediate and binding commitments from both sides to stop being nasty and to be nice instead.
The detailed Kerry Peace Process Framework, as it evolves, is expected to include the following fair, equitable and common-sense core elements:
All political prisoners in both the DPRK and ROK shall be freed and united with their loving families as soon as they pledge to cease making excessively offensive remarks. Should any violate their commitments they, along with their families, will be
returned sent to pleasant re-education parks to learn useful manual skills as well as the errors of their ways.
If and to the extent that either nation may be pursuing Uranium enrichment, such enrichment shall be limited to approximately five percent and no more Uranium shall be enriched than may be felt to be needed for present and anticipated future electricity generating facilities. Should either side or both desire radioactive medical isotopes or facilities, the final agreement shall include appropriate conditions and limitations, if any.
Due to the past (and anticipated future) candid and open nature of both nations concerning their solely peaceful intentions for nuclear energy, no inspections of military, medical, research or other facilities will be necessary, appropriate or required.
As a symbolic gesture of her eagerness for peaceful reunification, the ROK will require that all males between the ages of five and seventy years of age copy the greatly admired appearance of Dear Leader Kim Jong-un by having their hair cut monthly to emulate his coiffure as well as possible.
Correspondingly, as a symbolic gesture of her eagerness for peaceful reunification, the DPRK will agree and direct that ROK news, documentary and soap opera videos, jointly selected by the ROK and DPRK, be allowed into the DPRK and made available for mandatory viewing by all residents certified as having the appropriate electronic equipment and attitudes.
Similarly, the ROK will provide free, state of the art, video equipment to the DPRK to enable her production of news, documentary and soap opera videos for mandatory viewing in the ROK.
The DPRK and ROK will exchange agricultural and industrial engineers to provide guidance on how best to utilize their respective agricultural and industrial facilities and capacities.
It is hoped that these core elements of the Kerry Peace Process Framework will receive the universal acclaim they clearly deserve and hence lead to peaceful reunification as the People’s Democratic Republic of Korea.
Office of the President statement ends.
The following is based on numerous reliable anonymous sources, including many close to President Obama and Secretary Kerry.
Unfortunately, initial reactions of the leaders of both the DPRK and the ROK have been less than completely positive. Dear Leader Kim Jong-un proclaimed that the proposal had been written by subversives loyal to the alleged but illegitimate President of the ROK, Park Geun-hye, daughter of notorious dictator Park Chung-hye and therefore not a suitable peace partner. She responded by alleging that Kim Jung-un’s even more dictatorial father, Kim Jong-il, had smelled worse than rotten fish and that leaders of the DPRK’s closest ally, China, had written the framework nonsense solely in order maliciously to distract world attention from China’s aggressively unlawful actions toward all oceans and proximate land masses.
President Obama and Secretary Kerry had anticipated such minor bumps in the road and will do their level best to work over, under and around them in time for the first Kerry Peace Process talks to be held well before November of this year.
Secretary Kerry and President Obama are hopeful that Japan will help in securing cooperation from the DPRK and the ROK by sending at least twenty-five hundred of her highest officials’ prettiest daughters to each country as comfort companions. That is expected to assuage all remaining ill feelings caused by requiring young Korean girls to provide badly needed comforts to occupying Japanese troops, after many years still a matter of grave concern in both the DPRK and ROK.
It is hoped that both the DPRK and ROK will embrace such a commitment from Japan as their first glorious joint achievement and strive for harmony in achieving many others through the Kerry Peace Process Framework.
Japan has yet to respond favorably to the suggestion, but Secretary Kerry seems confident that her likelihood of doing so promptly is as substantial as that of the long term successes of the Israel – Palestinian and P5 + 1 peace processes.
President Obama agreed, observing that the ways in which He has transformed not only America but the entire world, and His continuing successful efforts along those lines, are entirely consistent with Secretary Kerry’s successful transformational efforts earlier directed at Israel and Palestine and now to be devoted to the DPRK and ROK. “If not now, when? If not
Me us, who?” He is reliably reported to have demanded.
It takes a strong leader like President Obama to make and keep such clear, firm and vital commitments.