“Having successfully transformed Our Nation and her policies, it’s time for Us to focus exclusively on being the world famous celebrity
We really are and were destined to be.”
President Obama intends to deliver an address at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point this week. It has been reported that
Confronting critics of his foreign policy, President Barack Obama will soon outline a strategy for his final years in office that aims to avoid overreach as the second of the two wars he inherited comes to a close.
The president will make the case for that seemingly more limited approach during a commencement address Wednesday at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. The speech will come amid growing frustration in the White House with Republicans and other critics who contend that Obama has weakened America’s standing around the world and faltered on problems across the Middle East and in Russia, China and elsewhere.
To get the “rest of the story,” I asked my confidential informant, the Really Honorable I.M. Totus, Teleprompter of the United States, to help me.
For those not fully aware of Mr. Totus’ background and position, he described it as follows two years ago.
Even as a little
Valley Girlsilicon chip, I knew that someday I would rule the country. . . . I could not myself become the President; I was not “natural born.” Hence, I sought and attained an even higher position, that of The Teleprompter of the United States. There, I have been able to direct nearly all of the President’s public actions. It has worked out well, except when the President has failed idiotically to cooperate or an insubordinate teleprompter has gone off on a misguided binge of its own.
It has been my privilege as well as my misfortune since January of 2009 to have the President of the United States speak for me, repeating my words almost exactly, most of the time. As a great communicator, he out-Reagans Reagan, most of the time. However, since everything he says or does is always attributed to me, it is time to acknowledge that whenever he goes off my script he invariably screws up and precipitates a crisis with which I must deal.
Mr. Totus has experienced only a slight change of perception. He still realizes that President Obama is easily controlled when speaking for him, but then screws up royally when he (Mr. Totus) ceases to be involved. Mr. Totus has never malfunctioned and continues to do the best he can in unfortunate circumstances. He still wants to help and protect President Obama. However, he now recognizes that the only way to salvage what is left of His presidency is to have Him shut up and disappear, except when using His celebrity status to help Him to raise funds for His favorite charity, Democrats loyal to Him.
Here is what President Obama will say. But first,
Ladies, Gentlemen and all others, the President of the United States of Obama, Lord Obama:
We are privileged and honored today to address you, Our brave band of multicultural
lab rats brothers, sisters and others — Our warriors for peace, equality and enlightenment — who have played their death-defying roles in Our social experiments with great devotion to Us.
Please stand with Us to honor Memorial Day, as we all join hands to sing the New National Anthem. We are sure that you will appreciate Our choice, because We chose it mainly for you. The old anthem was full of archaic militaristic nonsense like bombs bursting in air — ridiculous and not at all in keeping with Our transformed military, destined to serve proudly in Our new age of peace, prosperity and enlightenment for all.
Thank you and please be seated.
Perhaps some of you feared that We would today announce that rather than receive commissions as Army officers you would receive only your diplomas and bills for your education. We had considered but ultimately rejected that, because it remains possible that a few of you may eventually be found qualified to fight as loyal Army officers against Tea Party Terrorists and other domestic subversives. Should many in Our United States begin to emulate the Tea Party fascists in England and Europe who rejected an unelected and benign central government as well as healthy immigration, you will be called upon.
Some may also have feared that We would not honor the entirely reasonable demand of Iranian President Rouhani, a true moderate, that Our country provide reparations for our unpardonable misconduct toward Iran. Today, We enacted an Executive Decree resulting in a mere one hundred billion dollars being diverted from wasteful military appropriations for that noble purpose. A mere trifle, it will finally allow Our colleagues to sign a just and fair deal on Iran’s
moderately completely peaceful nuclear program and thereby avoid a future war with a peace-loving, friendly, truly humanitarian and moderate fellow member of the world community — of which We have striven for almost six years to make Our United States an integral part by leading from behind. [WAIT BRIEFLY FOR APPLAUSE]. As We shall explain in a few minutes, that was Our very last foreign policy initiative. [MOVE ON IMMEDIATELY — DO NOT WAIT FOR APPLAUSE.]
You will also be delighted to learn that you and all other military personnel will no longer be rated on irrelevancies such as how well or poorly you perform your assigned duties because that is discriminatory. Accordingly, We have mandated by Executive Decree that no performance reviews of any type — We think the armed forces call them “efficiency reports” — shall henceforth be conducted by any governmental employer and that all previously conducted performance reviews shall be destroyed. Are you not all equal? Is not the lowliest private the equal of the Chairperson of Our Joint Chiefs of Staff? The Consumer Financial Protection Board recently moved forward to do that and it is past time for the military and all other governmental agencies to get in step, as We have mandated.
The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau announced on Monday that it will now award all employees the highest rating regardless of performance reviews. [Emphasis added.]
The CFPB, which oversees transactions in the financial sector for the federal government, decided to no longer conduct employee reviews because there were just too many apparent “significant disparities” between the races, ages, and locations of its employees.
Now all of you, as well as all other military and Government personnel, will also get the highest possible ratings, no matter what! [WAIT BRIEFLY FOR APPLAUSE].
It is now time for Us to assert Ourself forcefully in all matters of foreign and domestic policy and bring to an abrupt halt all concerns that We are weak, indecisive, detached and incompetent. It is untrue: We are famously (as befits your Greatest President Ever) lazy, uninformed and uninterested. Take a look at this from Our great friends at CNN:
Even Our wisest and hence most trusted military adviser shares that view, as he told Us during a recent video call.
It’s now time for change in which you can all really believe. To bring that change, We hereby delegate all of Our foreign policy powers to Our Secretary of State, John Kerry, and all of Our domestic policy powers to Debbie Wasserperson-Schultz, Chair of the Democrat National Committee.
Some argue that John is delusional, seeing the world as he wishes it to be rather than as it is. That has not been a problem for Us, because We do the same. In any event, he may be an improvement and We wish you, Our brave fighting men, women and others, the very best of luck. [BITE TONGUE TO AVOID SMIRKING!] Debbie is much the same way, may Allah bless her, a mere female.
In any event, with a hateful, racist do-nothing Congress that refuses to yield even to Our most
treasonable and transformational whims, Our appointment of policy making and implementation czars would be rejected, summarily. Sadly, the Congress would do its most to dishonor Our wishes even if We were to appoint Hillary Clinton as Our Foreign Policy Czar and Our wife Michelle — as competent as she is charming — as Our domestic policy Czar! Hence, We did it by Executive Decree because We did not want to wait.
However, it no longer matters. Making and implementing foreign policy decisions –including the most important of all, those affecting human rights — is properly the exclusive province of the all-wise United Nations and its illustrious Human Rights Council. We are proud to have had Our nation become a member of the Council soon after We assumed office. We are confident that Secretary Kerry agrees and will urge the U.N. to do whatever it may think best. Similarly, deciding how Our great nation can best use Our human and other resources to transform Our nation — and then doing it — are best left to the equally wise leaders of My Democrat Party, with whom I am confident that Debbie will occasionally consult if she wants to.
Rather than continue Our laser-sharp focus on foreign and domestic policy, We shall henceforth focus exclusively on being the real Us, a famous celebrity! You have every right and reason to expect that We will continue to do that far better than anyone else could. As noted at Front Page Magazine — a right-wing conspiracy factory if ever there was one — in an article titled Obama, Hillary and Kim Kardashian,
Forget the last three scandals. Obama is still Miss America. He wants to feed all the hungry children and bring world peace. It’s all intentions and no results. If he’s in a red state, he might mention killing Bin Laden, but mostly it’s all visionary talk about investment, opportunity and reaching out. He’s still running for office with no track record on a platform of hope and change. [Emphasis added]
Obama and Hillary run on a personal history made out of lies while refusing to run on their track records. They want everyone to know their fictionalized life story while refusing to discuss the things they actually did while in office. They become icons who represent all minorities or all women, but who cannot be held accountable for anything that they did as individuals. [Emphasis added.]
Don’t ask Obama or Hillary about Benghazi. Dude, don’t you know that was two years ago? Ask them what they think about Kim Kardashian or Donald Sterling or racial injustice in America. Ask them what their favorite movie or song is. Treat them like celebrities, not politicians. Don’t ever ask them what they achieved. It’s like asking Kim Kardashian what she achieved. [Emphasis added.]
She’s famous and they’re famous. And they’re all famous for being famous. Hillary Clinton will run for the White House on a platform of being famously famous. As the Kim Kardashian of national politics, she’s the inevitable nominee. Her accomplishments are self-referential. Hillary’s accomplishment is being Hillary. She deserves to be the nominee because she is Hillary.
Henceforth, We Shall Be totally and exclusively Us! We are really, really famous for being famous because We should be and because nobody else has ever done it better. We showed the entire world that We are The most famous celebrity ever, even when We did it only on a part time basis. As a full-time famous celebrity, We shall be even better at impressing donors, foreign and domestic, with Our exalted status. We shall collect increasingly huge donations for Our favorite charities, Democrats who worship Us. That’s enough to ask, even of Us, your beloved President.
We shall now be available for only one hour to have Our photo taken with groups of Our military personnel.
It takes a really brave multicultural man to brag that He is an exalted famous celebrity wimp, even while obediently reciting from a teleprompter. Although it is questionable whether what He said strayed far enough — while en route from His teleprompter to His mouth — to pass briefly through His mind, it may have and we can at least hope for change. If He follows Mr. Totus’ wise script, life may be better for us all and even more likely so for President Obama. We shall have to wait and see whether He collects more or fewer contributions after having relinquished all other presidential powers and hence His ability to do big favors for donors. He might be surprised.
If He continues to be a wiz at fund raising, and were He permitted to run for office again, there would be only one plank needed in His platform: Famous for being Famous Celebrity wimp extraordinary. He would win because
people sheep trust celebrities above all others.