President Obama demands that Israel stop using WMDs and other disproportionate means to oppress the peace-loving Palestinians.
Not yet recovered from His exhausting fund-raising trip to Texas, President Obama summoned barely enough energy this morning to direct The Really Honorable I.M. Totus to prepare an address for Him. He insisted that it complain bitterly but even-evenhandedly about Israel’s disproportionate and hence genocidal responses to missiles for peace and unification fired by Hamas and friends.
President Obama has long been well aware of Israel’s problems and has often supported her by offering guidance on the best ways to reject violence and to work instead for peace and tranquility. Here, for example, is one of His earlier efforts.
Israel’s obstinate refusal to accept His wise counsel and her indiscriminate persecution of Palestinians have led to all of the current Middle East unrest including, obviously, Israel’s current efforts to demolish Gaza.
President Obama’s Texas trip and resulting exhaustion have prevented Him from delivering His remarks personally. However, an Obama look-alike will soon be found to deliver them on His behalf. For now, my confidential White House source, The Really Honorable I.M. Totus, has provided a transcript of what He had hoped to say:
Although occasionally absent from the White House due to the unrelenting need to perform my excessively burdensome presidential duties, I have kept well informed about Israel’s unwarranted aggression against the Palestinians in Gaza and elsewhere. Here, for example, is an excellent news report that rebuts Israeli propaganda with facts and faces:
Comparably well sourced and accurate news reports are rare from Gaza due to Israeli targeting of clearly marked press vehicles. Israel does that to terrify journalists and hence to keep them from exposing her cowardly crimes against humanity.
Israel’s actions have been disgracefully disproportionate and must stop. If they do not cease before I leave for my much needed family vacation at Martha’s Vineyard on August 9th, my red line will have been crossed and upon my return I may issue an
AngryExecutive Decree chastising Israel. Here is what Israel has done and what it must stop doing:
Israel has used WMDs (Weapons Minimizing Death and Destruction) including “Iron Dome,” warning sirens and shelters to thwart missile attacks. The Palestinians in Gaza have no even remotely comparable WMDs: They have no Iron Domes, their tunnels — clearly dug as air-raid shelters — have been destroyed maliciously and their air-raid sirens often can not be used due to Israel’s inhumane refusal to furnish electricity. They are therefore forced to use civilians, including small children, to guard their missile sites. They do so in the forlorn hope that Israel will take pity on them and refrain from attacking. Merciless Israel continues to attack, wantonly and intentionally wasting the precious lives of many innocent Palestinians. Here’s a video:
May Allah bless the fearless Palestinians!
Israel must cease using her Iron Dome and all other WMDs and instead do as the peace loving Palestinians in Gaza do: stop using warning sirens, close all shelters and station civilians, including small children, at sites now protected by her warmongering Iron Dome system. Only then will proper proportionality be seen so that Israel can persuade the international community that her people are not cowardly and may be nearly as fearless as Palestinians.
Israel, well known for her technological expertise, directs her aircraft and other advanced weaponry to sites in Gaza with great precision. The Gazans have neither the necessary expertise nor the ability to acquire it. That is obvious in light of the failure of most missiles sent from Gaza to reach and destroy their targets in Israel. Some missiles do not even leave Gaza. Instead — doubtless due to underhanded Israeli interference with their primitive guidance systems — they detonate in Gaza and injure innocent Palestinians.
Israel must, therefore, either stop using hi-tech means to hit innocent civilians in Gaza or transfer a proportionate number of its guidance systems to Hamas and other freedom fighters. Israel must also dispatch qualified instructors to Gaza to teach them how to install and use them as well as provide manuals with translations from Hebrew into whatever written language the residents of Gaza may find convenient.
My demands are not one sided and reflect, indeed, My historic efforts on Israel’s behalf. In return for Israel’s cessation of her wicked use of WMDs and provision of guidance technology and whatever may be needed to use it, Hamas, Fatah, Islamic Jihad and others firing missiles from Gaza must provide at least five hundred of their missiles to Israel for use by her armed forces. If the Israelis can’t otherwise figure out how to use them, experts must be dispatched from Gaza to instruct them.
The reaction of Israeli dictator Netanyahu to President Obama’s temperate demands is not yet known. However, some warmongering cabinet members, haters of everything Palestinian, have taken a wait and see approach. It is to be hoped that, as President Obama’s words of wisdom become widely accepted throughout Israel and Palestine, wiser heads will prevail and agreement with His demands will become overwhelming. When that happens — and Presidente Obama hopes that it’s before His vacation beginning on August 9th — even Dictator Netanyahu will have no option but to accept them. Then, and only then, will true peace come to the entire Middle East and President Obama — his historic legacy assured — will receive another well deserved Nobel Peace Prize.