Obama picks Maxwell Smart as Secretary of Defense and Gender Equality

Immediately upon hearing of Secretary Hagel’s decision to resign, President Obama began His search for the best available replacement. Today, He announced His eagerly awaited choice for a successor.

I have personal problems.

I have too many personal problems.

Statement of President Obama:

My fellow Americans, as you are well aware, I pledged soon after taking office in 2009 that My administration would be the most transparent ever. In keeping with My solemn vow, I want to tell you this evening about My most important actions over the past few days, and how I decided to take them, to make our already exceptional national security even better.

A few days ago, My very close personal friend and scapegoat Republican colleague, Huck Bagel, informed Me that personal problems compelled him to resign as My Secretary of Defense and Gender Equality. There is, of course, no truth to any of the scurrilous lies that I forced him to resign. Contrary to the unfounded assertions of racist media sources, that’s not the way My administration works. Indeed, I did not even begin My exhaustive search for the best possible candidate to replace him until after I learned of his intentions.

Fortunately for us all, a wise Latina caddy at My Presidential Golf Course — I call her Soto because she reminds me of a Supreme Court justice whom I appointed — had over the years become one of My closest and most trusted advisers. She understood the many problems and opportunities before Me. Based on her superior knowledge of television programs, as well as of the qualification needed for the position, she suggested Maxwell Smart.

If I can do it anybody can

Sure, Mr. President. I can do that!

With my closest friend, mentor and adviser, Valerie Jarrett, I carefully analyzed recordings of the TV programs Soto had suggested, giving them My always intensely focused attention. Val provided her uniquely helpful advice and I then decided to act decisively by deciding that I needed to get smart. I promptly telephoned Mr. Smart and he graciously agreed to serve.

As all of you know, all of My foreign and domestic policies and actions have always been based on this simple but important principle: Don’t do anything stupid. I have not once strayed from it.

Mr. Smart’s exemplary qualifications are subtly but well demonstrated in this video as well as in many others.

As should be obvious, Mr. Smart is highly qualified to lead My Department of Defense and Gender Equality. It is My hope and desire that the Senate will act promptly, in true bipartisan fashion, to approve him. Our very own national security demands it. Although My administration has already taken great strides in transforming My military, We still must move ever forward with My most important national security mission: bringing ever greater gender equality, and hence ever better gender relations, to all of My armed forces. We cannot — and must not — wait to make the changes that you, My dear people, have long been hoping and waiting for!

I fully expect that Mr. Smart will also be useful in achieving My goal of degrading the non-Islamic State and other non-Islamic terror organizations in Iraq, Syria and elsewhere. However, it remains my firm conviction that true peace can come only through extended negotiations, with give and take on all sides. As has been shown by Our extended negotiations with Iran over its alleged nuclear ambitions, by giving only a little much can be gained.

Thank you, My America. When you elected Me I promised the changes that you hoped for. Once again, I have responded to your hopes for change. May Allah damn bless you all and bring unto you many beautiful dreams about the wonders I have already wrought and those that I will continue to provide for so long as I remain your beloved leader.

Obama as we know and love(?) him!

ALL of My policies are the best ever

ALL of My policies are awesome!

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About danmillerinpanama

I was graduated from Yale University in 1963 with a B.A. in economics and from the University of Virginia School of law, where I was the notes editor of the Virginia Law Review in 1966. Following four years of active duty with the Army JAG Corps, with two tours in Korea, I entered private practice in Washington, D.C. specializing in communications law. I retired in 1996 to sail with my wife, Jeanie, on our sailboat Namaste to and in the Caribbean. In 2002, we settled in the Republic of Panama and live in a very rural area up in the mountains. I have contributed to Pajamas Media and Pajamas Tatler. In addition to my own blog, Dan Miller in Panama, I an an editor of Warsclerotic and contribute to China Daily Mail when I have something to write about North Korea.
This entry was posted in Charles Hagel, Congress, Department of Defense, Foreign policy, Humor, Obama, Satire, U.S. Military and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Obama picks Maxwell Smart as Secretary of Defense and Gender Equality

  1. Tom Carter says:

    Huck Bagel? Good one!

    Apparently, Mr. Obama’s closest adviser, good buddy (with benefits?), and sage-in-residence Valerie forgot to remind His Oneness that Maxwell Smart has been dead for about a decade. But who knows, having a corpse in the office might work out well, just as it seems to be working at State.

    Frankly, I would prefer Agent 99 for SecDef. She has several important qualifications for the job: She’s still alive, she is/was a babe, and she’s used to having a boob for a boss.

    • Sure Smart is dead. So what? They get to vote and otherwise serve His Oneness too, That’s only “fair,” and promoting “fairness” is His primary transformational objective. And, as you observe, (at least) one is serving Him at the Department of State, doing as commanded.

  2. Pingback: Humor: Obama picks Maxwell Smart as Secretary of Defense and Gender Equality |

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