Immediately upon hearing of Secretary Hagel’s decision to resign, President Obama began His search for the best available replacement. Today, He announced His eagerly awaited choice for a successor.
Statement of President Obama:
My fellow Americans, as you are well aware, I pledged soon after taking office in 2009 that My administration would be the most transparent ever. In keeping with My solemn vow, I want to tell you this evening about My most important actions over the past few days, and how I decided to take them, to make our already exceptional national security even better.
A few days ago, My very close personal friend and
scapegoatRepublican colleague, Huck Bagel, informed Me that personal problems compelled him to resign as My Secretary of Defense and Gender Equality. There is, of course, no truth to any of the scurrilous lies that I forced him to resign. Contrary to the unfounded assertions of racist media sources, that’s not the way My administration works. Indeed, I did not even begin My exhaustive search for the best possible candidate to replace him until after I learned of his intentions.
Fortunately for us all, a wise Latina caddy at My Presidential Golf Course — I call her Soto because she reminds me of a Supreme Court justice whom I appointed — had over the years become one of My closest and most trusted advisers. She understood the many problems and opportunities before Me. Based on her superior knowledge of television programs, as well as of the qualification needed for the position, she suggested Maxwell Smart.
With my closest friend, mentor and adviser, Valerie Jarrett, I carefully analyzed recordings of the TV programs Soto had suggested, giving them My always intensely focused attention. Val provided her uniquely helpful advice and I then decided to act decisively by deciding that I needed to get smart. I promptly telephoned Mr. Smart and he graciously agreed to serve.
As all of you know, all of My foreign and domestic policies and actions have always been based on this simple but important principle: Don’t do anything stupid. I have not once strayed from it.
Mr. Smart’s exemplary qualifications are subtly but well demonstrated in this video as well as in many others.
As should be obvious, Mr. Smart is highly qualified to lead My Department of Defense and Gender Equality. It is My hope and desire that the Senate will act promptly, in true bipartisan fashion, to approve him. Our very own national security demands it. Although My administration has already taken great strides in transforming My military, We still must move ever forward with My most important national security mission: bringing ever greater gender equality, and hence ever better gender relations, to all of My armed forces. We cannot — and must not — wait to make the changes that you, My dear people, have long been hoping and waiting for!
I fully expect that Mr. Smart will also be useful in achieving My goal of degrading the non-Islamic State and other non-Islamic terror organizations in Iraq, Syria and elsewhere. However, it remains my firm conviction that true peace can come only through extended negotiations, with give and take on all sides. As has been shown by Our extended negotiations with Iran over its alleged nuclear ambitions, by giving only a little much can be gained.
Thank you, My America. When you elected Me I promised the changes that you hoped for. Once again, I have responded to your hopes for change. May Allah
damnbless you all and bring unto you many beautiful dreams about the wonders I have already wrought and those that I will continue to provide for so long as I remain your beloved leader.
Obama as we know and love(?) him!