Editor’s note: This is a guest post by my (imaginary) friend, the Very Honorable Ima Librul, Senator from the great State of
Confusion Utopia. He is a founding member of CCCEB (Climate Change Causes Everything Bad), a charter member of President Obama’s Go For it Team, a senior member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and Chairman of the Meretricious Relations Subcommittee. He is also justly proud of his expertise in the care and breeding of green unicorns, for which his Save the Unicorns Foundation has received substantial Federal grants. We are honored to have a post of this caliber by a quintessential Librul such as the Senator. Without further delay, beyond noting that I added a few words which I then struck out like this to provide greater clarity to Senator Librul’s article, here it is.
Islamic terrorists Violent extremists are simply misguided youth who are underprivileged, mistreated and haven’t yet developed refined social skills. Therefore, they should be treated like their peers in American cities.
Obama’s task force on 21st century policing has suggested new and better ways to encourage misguided youth to become productive members of society. One suggestion is to “build relationships through nonenforcement interactions between officers, youth, and other community members.” An example of this splendid innovation is provided at page 23 of the study:
Boston Police Commissioner William Evans says, “I think we’re the only police department in the country with an ice cream truck and I can’t say enough good things about it. When the truck shows up, the kids love it and our officers love it too because it gives them a platform and an opportunity to engage and interact with our city’s young people in a positive, friendly, productive way.”
Surely, that will work equally well with poor, misguided youth abroad who, through no fault of their own, have failed to develop suitably refined social skills and therefore engage in
Islamic terrorism violent extremism, Islamic white supremacy and other socially undesirable pursuits. Minor modifications will, however, be necessary. Here are a few suggestions:
Khat vs. ice cream
There has never been a scientific, multiculturally correct and therefore statistically valid survey of the quantum of pleasure violent extremists derive from ice cream or, indeed, whether they even like it.
Moreover, it has been claimed that “candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” Liquor is also quicker than ice cream. However, Islam prohibits the ingestion of alcoholic beverages and, unless that wise proscription is revoked, offering
Islamic terrorists violent extremists and Islamic white supremacists liquor would be culturally insensitive. On the other hand, offering khat would be culturally sensitive and, therefore, a good thing.
Catha edulis (khat, qat) is a flowering plant native to the Horn of Africa and the Arabian Peninsula. Among communities from these areas, khat chewing has a history as a social custom dating back thousands of years.
Clearly, loss of appetite would be helpful to violent extremists who suffer from dietary insufficiencies and behave violently because of it. In similar fashion, euphoria would also diminish their perceived needs to engage in violent extremism and help them to transfer their excitement to productive, rather than destructive, activities. Offering khat would, therefore, be an excellent alternative to offering alcohol.
While some may favor providing marijuana instead of khat, the former has become increasingly lawful in many parts of Obama’s domain and doing so would deprive our own disadvantaged youth of one of their very few lawful pleasures, leading to their increased consumption of cocaine. That would, in turn, deprive many in Hollywood — America’s intellectual and cultural capitol — of a major source of inspiration for their production of splendid motion pictures which illuminate the foolish insensitivity of what most “conservatives” consider “thought.”
It is sometimes claimed that Obama wants to deprive “law abiding” citizens of the firearms to which they cling bitterly, along with their Bibles. This understanding is, of course, wrong: it should be obvious, even to those dolts, that when civilians are prohibited from having firearms, those who still have them will, ipso facto, cease to be “law abiding.”
Something has to be done with confiscated firearms, and Commander in Chief Obama has demonstrated the historic success of His efforts to eliminate violent extremism by overtly giving weapons of all sorts to violent extremists or simply — but cleverly — allowing them to fall into their hands. This strategy has been proven quite successful in defeating the Non-Islamic Islamic State (NIIS) and other non-Islamic organizations promoting violent extremism.
Many misguided youth who engage in socially undesirable conduct suffer, through no fault of their own, from lack of a suitable education. Great leaps forward need to be made in educating those who engage in violent extremism due to their sad misunderstandings of Islam, the religion of peace.
President Obama has proven Himself, countless times, to have a far clearer understanding of the true nature of Islam than any other person, living or dead — including Mohamed and countless so-called Islamic imams and other scholars. I therefore hope that He will soon find a way to visit as many Islamic lands as possible to provide personal instruction on the true nature of Islam to misguided youth, as well as to their misguided elders. Spreading the true nature of Islam in Islamic lands, particularly the Islamic Republic of Iran and thereby putting “Islamic” terrorism behind us forever, will be the greatest of President Obama’s many historic accomplishments. As a true Man of Peace and Understanding, President Obama will put Himself in no danger of violence by doing so: the truth and beauty of everything He says are always immediately obvious to all who hear him.
Although President Obama will be in no danger of personal harm, because Islam is the true religion of peace, precautions should be taken against the extremely remote chance that He might be murdered by someone who unreasonably rejects His godly message. To that end, Vice President Biden should be asked to resign for the good of the country and, indeed, of the entire world. President Obama should issue an executive order making Hillary Clinton His vice president. By doing so, He will ensure that, even if the worst imaginable should happen, His wonderful legacy will be carried forward without interruption.
Giving up the office of vice president will be a tremendous sacrifice for Joe Biden and for Imam Obama as well, since selecting him is the best decision Obama ever made. Perhaps Obama will be able to provide some small compensation by asking the King of Saudi Arabia to make him (Biden, not Obama) a sheik and his foreign minister – oil minister. In those capacities, Sheik Biden will reduce the flow of oil, raise oil prices and help to end the evil of clime change while simultaneously helping to bring true peace to the entire world.