The Council Against Inhumanity to Rodents (CAIR) today announced that even though not all of the millions of Rodents on Earth are Rats, and even though not all Rats are rabid, all rats are being mercilessly disparaged due to the un-Rat actions of a few. Ratophobia must cease!
Sadly, there was recently a deplorable incident in which a poor, disenfranchised Muslim woman was bitten by a rat. While hard at work in the kitchen preparing a tasty evening meal with which to poison her beloved husband, an Islamophobic Rat jumped on her back and bit her. Unable to get to a hospital for treatment because all of her male relatives were worshiping at the local mosque and hence unavailable to accompany her, she died of rabies.
Because of this isolated Islamophobic incident involving a disturbed Rat, her friends and relatives promptly began to say unkind things about Rats and some even attempted to kill Rats — despite the lack of credible evidence that any of them were even rabid. Islamophobia is bad, and we have often counseled against it.
However, Ratophobia is even worse. Fewer than all Rats are rabid, and to assume that they are — or that the vast majority of non-rabid Rats are somehow responsible for the actions of those that are rabid — is disgraceful.
Our great nation owes tremendous debts to Rats, which have done much to make her grow and prosper. Had countless denizens of our teeming cities not migrated west to escape the rats in their apartment buildings and sewers, there would have been no westward expansion and the United States would now cower along the Atlantic Coast alone. There would be no San Bernardino and no sanctuary cities in California.
Rats, even rabid Rats, have feelings. They are sensitive to disparagements and to the loss of the freedoms they once enjoyed and still deserve. Many peaceful Rats are confined in small cages and used in medical experiments. In consequence, they experience great pain and suffering. We demand that such maltreatment of our brother Rats, and all other maltreatments — the use of Rat traps, for example — cease. Neither we nor our dear brother and sister Rats will be able to control Rat reactions if they are not. You have been warned. You had better change your ways or watch out!