The Marine Hymn needs to be rewritten, badly. I have tried.

It’s beastly and must never again be sung
until changed. Then, we can finally be as proud of our country
as we are of President and Mrs. Obama.

First Sergeant rank insignia for the United States Marine Corps. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Here are verses from the disgustingly warlike Marine Hymn.

From the Halls of Montezuma
To the Shores of Tripoli,
We fight our country’s battles
In the air, on land and sea.

First to fight for right and freedom,
And to keep our honor clean;
We are proud to claim the title
of United States Marine.

Here’s health to you and to our Corps,
Which we are proud to serve.
In many a strife we’ve fought for life
And never lost our nerve.

If the Army and the Navy
Ever look on Heaven’s scenes,
They will find the streets are guarded
By United States Marines.

It is worse than merely passe. Alpha types are no longer needed and must just fade away into the dark night, heads hung in shame; only Beta types can be useful in the new military we need so badly.

So sad!

Sickeningly jingoistic, reeking of violence and redolent of unhealthy sentiments from the thankfully rejected past — patriotism, religious symbolism and the violence they inevitably cause — the Unamerican Hymn encourages Marines to cherish their Alpha natures and to fight uncompassionate wars brutally. It prevents them from freeing their inner child in glorious Beta fashion and from submitting rapturously to worldwide peace and love.  It ill serves modern multicultural America and must be rewritten before it is too late.

Here are my proposed revisions, intended to encourage Marine recruitment from the superior Beta classes and to free any remaining souls of the unfortunates now in uniform.

From the Halls of Mother Harvard
To the bowers of Washington,
We reject our country’s horrors
In our nests, at sea and shore.

First to seek our inner childhoods
And the joys that they must bring,
We proclaim the joyful righteousness
Of every dream that we can sing.

Here’s joy to us and all our friends,
We are just too meek to fail.
To many a Librul we have proved our worth,
Never shall we act male.

When our Congress and our President
Come to sniff our fragrant scenes,
They will find the flowers are tended
by Multicultural Marines.

The video below demonstrates that military training is antiquated and hence extremist. It simply must no longer be permitted. Frightfully athletic, dangerous and politically incorrect, it leads only to unwarranted hatred and Alpha violence unbecoming a gentle-person.

This brilliant new training manual, recently adopted by the Department of Defense and integral to its bold new emphasis on demilitarization, is gracefully superior in every respect.

We must always honor our courageous leader.

What are they looking at? The Beta Guy in Chief?

Newsweek has again led the way with neither fear nor favor.

Our first hippy happy president!

Even Germans, formerly militarily adventurous but now pacific and contrite, have shown their unrestrained solidarity with President Obama.

Dare we do less? We must all bend forward, away from the darkness of the past and toward the brave light of the newly fawning day! Yes, we can! Yes we must!