The Old Chief is gone.
Hail to the New Chief!
For this report of today’s important breaking news I must thank my esteemed confidential source, the Very Honorable I.M. Totus. Once again the former Teleprompter of the United States, he was gracious enough to alert me to it.
In a surprising development possibly related to current Arab Spring activities, President Biden spoke to the nation today to announce, with sadness as befits the solemn occasion, the abrupt resignation this morning of President Obama. Unfortunately, no transcript of President Biden’ remarks as delivered is available due to technical difficulties. Only a few words and phrases such as “Big F? Deal,” “Pink n?t Red li?n?,” “H?c” “artic?late ? ? N?gro?” and a sentence fragment that may or may not have related to returning a bust of President Obama to the Kenyan Embassy were even marginally intelligible. The rest was sadly garbled beyond transcription.
Doubtless out of respect to former President Obama, President Biden spoke standing erect rather than sitting in the Presidential Chair in front of the Oval Office fireplace. According to his prepared remarks, President Biden said the following.
My fellow Americans, I stand before you with a humble and contrite heart to tell you of the resignation of the Best President I could ever have hoped to serve, Barack
Hussein Obama. He made his typically heroic and decisive decision to resign after much prayerful thought and consultation with his closest advisers, the Reverend Mr. Jeremiah Wright, Valerie Jarret and his dear wife, Michelle. We shall all miss him greatly as he leaves us behind and pursues his private interests in his beautiful adopted State of Hawaii.
As your new President, I shall be bound by and pursue to the best of my abilities President Obama’s immensely successful domestic and foreign policies. His outreach to our Muslim friends in particular has already been monumentally successful. As I speak, Congressman Keith Ellison is winging his way at my request to Australia to represent our nation at the Khilafah Conference 2012: “Muslims Rise – Caliphate Imminent.” I shall continue to pursue President Obama’s wise path toward the peace which passeth all understanding. I shall do so with the help of Secretary of State Clinton, Chairman Bernanke of the Federal Reserve and Chairwoman Wasserman-Schultz of the Democratic National Committee. I am confident that their help and support will be completely unqualified. I shall also consult on a frequent basis with leaders of our many allied nations, first among which are Egypt, Iran, Libya, Somalia and Pakistan.
I am also highly pleased to tell you today that the new Vice President of our United States is my wise bipartisan colleague Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. She is the most highly qualified person I could have hoped to find to serve as my Vice President and will help me in restoring spirits of action and compromise in the Congress.
Despite President Obama’s ceaseless and heroic efforts, we still have enemies, both foreign and domestic. To them I say, we shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Florida, we shall fight in North Carolina and Chicago. We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in our bipartisan media as well as in our other tried and true allies. We shall defend our small place in the community of nations, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight in the whine bars, we shall fight in the health spas and in the streets; we shall fight in the valleys; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this insignificant third-rate land of ours or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our valiant Peace Corpse and Diplomatic Corpse within and beyond our porous borders, armed and guarded with the wisdom of the Persians and the strength of our beloved former President, would carry on the struggle, until, in good and proper time, a New World Order, with all of its multicultural, post-racial and post-partisan power and right, steps forth to the rescue of us all.
In these times of National peril, I have today issued the first of my many Executive Orders to come. It declares the first ten Amendments to the ancient Constitution null and void for the duration of our trials and tribulations. Perhaps they may be resolved during the current century. Then, perhaps, a future President will restore the Bill of Rights to at least partial force.
May God help us all.
Portions of President Biden’s splendid address seemed positively Churchillian, perhaps inspired by his many years as a serious student of history. The President’s address closed with a touching rendition of Hail to the Chief by the Environmental Protection Agency Band joined by the Muslim Brotherhood Chorus with appropriate verses prepared for the occasion in their own native language. A video presenting some of the vocalists in a prior English language performance is shown below.
The media were, of course, stunned by these developments but will doubtless have exhaustive discussions through conferences and tweets. Within a short day or so, the media will likely arrive at a consensus position on how best to deal heroically with this crisis in a fair and balanced manner calculated to avoid the national disaster of vile billionaire Republican Romney’s election as President.
We now bring you this important public service message.