EPA to issue New Safety Rules for U.S. Flags

Top news of the day from CONS (Combined Obama News Services):
United States flags must be safe for all.

Due to reports that an innocent Pakistani youth was mortally sickened by toxic fumes from a United States flag while peacefully burning it, the Environmental Protection Agency is quickly preparing new rules to ensure that all U.S. flags are safe to burn. Ben Dover, the Chief of the Flammable Substances Division at the EPA, stated:

Flag burning is a recognized medium of free expression and this action will again demonstrate to our Muslim friends that we fully support their rights of free speech.

Sheik Mohammad Ali Baba

Sheik Mohammad Ali Baba, a noted humanitarian and proponent of wealth redistribution also known as the Deaf Sheik, applauded this development and made his own powerful gesture of peaceful cooperation in return.

The failure of the Great Satan to take this obvious step years ago is inexcusable and many of our beloved martyrs have been killed or injured due to its callous disregard for the health and safety of our people — indeed, of people across the entire world. However, by yielding to our protests over the Great Satan’s policies the United States has once again demonstrated that our overwhelming strength has triumphed over its abject weakness. Therefore, we applaud the action, belated though it is, and will demonstrate our appreciation by burning more of its wicked flags.

President Obama immediately took time away from his incredibly busy schedule to offer to meet with the Deaf Sheik in the Oval Office as soon as the Sheik can find time for the meeting, which will be held at his convenience. To accommodate the Sheik, President Obama promised to keep his schedule open and to dispatch his own personal airplane, Air Farce One, as soon as the Sheik demands requests it.

In a statement issued by the White House President Obama said,

I am proud and humbled by the fruits now being born of my historic efforts to bring peace to the Middle East, torn by strife and violence directed against the United States until I assumed my position as your President in 2009.  This innovation by my Environmental Protection Agency is just one of our most recent such steps and has been warmly received throughout the region.

As my own gesture of appreciation for Sheik Mohammad Ali Baba’s generous words of peace, I have directed the Environmental Protection agency additionally to prohibit the use of fire retardant chemicals in all of our proud flags and to expedite the approval of its rule making process to ensure that the new rules are adopted and become effective within ten days.

I have also ordered the General Services Administration to purchase the first twenty thousand United States flags manufactured in compliance with the new rules and to deliver them to the State Department for immediate distribution, at no charge, to deserving citizens of Muslim countries. Since we are currently in a trade dispute with the Peoples’ Republic of China, none of the flags to be purchased by the GSA are to be acquired from Chinese manufacturers. These purchases by the GSA will create at least eight hundred and fifty new jobs and hence help further to reduce our already declining unemployment rate.

In response, President Obama’s principal challenger, Mittens Romney, whined in a political announcement paid for by his greedy millionaire accomplices that the President’s actions were further evidence of his misguided and counterproductive foreign and domestic policies.

President Obama’s forceful and decisive action was widely reported by all of the significant media and his already substantial lead over his challenger increased by twelve points nation-wide and by fourteen points in the “swing states.”

Strictly non-partisan, we consistently strive to present news in the best interest of our beloved nation and never to harm her by biased reporting.  We can truthfully and fairly state that we and the entire nation look forward to the many additional historic improvements in our relations with Muslim nations that President Obama’s leadership is certain to bring during his necessary second term in office.

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About danmillerinpanama

I was graduated from Yale University in 1963 with a B.A. in economics and from the University of Virginia School of law, where I was the notes editor of the Virginia Law Review in 1966. Following four years of active duty with the Army JAG Corps, with two tours in Korea, I entered private practice in Washington, D.C. specializing in communications law. I retired in 1996 to sail with my wife, Jeanie, on our sailboat Namaste to and in the Caribbean. In 2002, we settled in the Republic of Panama and live in a very rural area up in the mountains. I have contributed to Pajamas Media and Pajamas Tatler. In addition to my own blog, Dan Miller in Panama, I an an editor of Warsclerotic and contribute to China Daily Mail when I have something to write about North Korea.
This entry was posted in 9-11, Administrative Agencies, Appeasement, Brutality, China, Could be worse, Cultural differences, Democrats, Dep't of Information, Dove of peace, Egypt, Elections, EPA, Federal Agencies, free speech, Headlines, Humor, Ideology, Iran, Islamist rage, Israel, Media, Muslim Brotherhood, Muslims, Netanyahu, Obama, Opinion, Osama bin Laden, Peace, Politics, Regulations, Republicans, Romney, Satire, Snark, United States, White House and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to EPA to issue New Safety Rules for U.S. Flags

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  9. Z says:

    This is HILARIOUS! Sad that there’s so much truth in it; I could just see Obama doing that! But, have you seen the flags with his logo and his face where the stars should be? I’ll bet he’d protect those, first! Here’s my link in case you haven’t seen them:

    http://gollygeeez.blogspot.com/2012/09/i-pledge-allegiance-to-obama.html

    I seriously don’t tout my blog like this, but I think the connection makes it worthwhile!

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  11. I think we should do everything we can to keep our Flag safe. Burning the flag is didgraceful and would not vote for anyone who would do anything that would help anyone to burn our American Flag. Please for the sake of America do not vote for President Obama.

  12. I could really see this taking place. That’s the thing about the Obama administration. It’s really hard to do satire (though this is great!) because nothing is beyond the imagination.

  13. Pingback: Opinion Forum » EPA to Issue New Safety Rules for U.S. Flags

  14. Great post, Dan. I had to link it.

    Dan, I have a favor to ask of you. At Conservatives on Fire, there are four blogger who colaborate in what I call Gust Saturday posts on a weekly rotation. I would like to know if you would be willing to join us. You are a talented writer, Dan, and I know my readers would enjoy reading your posts. It requires no extra effort on your part. It is not necessary to write a special post unless you want to do it. You can tell me which of your posts you want to share at CoF or I can come by and copy what ever striles me. Should you agree, I would like to start this Saturday with the post you did early in September “Dependency, Civilization, and Survival”. Obviously you get full credit for your contributions. Please let me know if this would interest you. Either way you have me hooked.

    Cheers!

    Jim

    • Jim,

      I am honored and accept with great pleasure. Here’s a suggestion: if you decide on a post, let me know and I’ll send it to you in HTML if you will let me know where to e-mail it. That should save you a bit of formatting work. Anything you select will be fine with me and if I have any suggestions I’ll pas them along..

      • That’s great,, Dan. We”ll start on Saturday then. So far with the others I have been able to copy and paste without problems. If I do have any troubles I will let you know. By the way, you are both welcome to and encouraged to respond to any and all comments. It is tour choice. I am really glad that you will be joining the team, Dan. This is going to be great.

        Cheers!

        Jim

  15. Pingback: EPA to issue New Safety Rules for U.S. Flags « Conservatives on Fire

  16. snaylouff says:

    “I have directed the Environmental Protection agency additionally to prohibit the use of fire retardant chemicals in all of our proud flags and to expedite the approval of its rule making process to ensure that the new rules are adopted and become effective within ten days.”

    Is this factual? Where did you obtain this information? Burning the flag is at your own risk! If he truly intends to make them non flame retardant, I don’t think I want him running the country with decisions like that.

  17. boudicabpi says:

    Reblogged this on BPI reblog and commented:
    I say make all US flags give off toxic fumes when burned. You gotta be friggin kidding. WTF?

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