Through his newly appointed press secretary, Dennis Rodman, President Obama today announced that he and Mr. Rodman will visit Kim Jong-un in Pyongyang next week. Their meeting is expected to
eliminate all of our petty misunderstandings.
This is a guest post by Senator Ima Librul, (L., Utopia). He is a member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and chairs the Subcommittee on Meretricious Relations. He also serves on an agriculture subcommittee promoting the care and breeding of unicorns. In that capacity, he is now managing legislation to provide seven billion dollars for a greatly needed study of unicorn sexuality.
A seasoned expert, not only at diplomacy with world leaders wrongly perceived as “difficult” but also at “hoops,” President Obama’s trip to North Korea is expected to resolve all misunderstandings and hence disputes with North Korea as well as with Iran and other wrongly disparaged nations. Before leaving for Pyongyang, he will meet with former President Carter to seek the incalculable benefits of his wisdom and long — as well as highly successful — experience in dealing with the Kims and other sadly misunderstood and underrated world leaders.
There are some who jest about such matters as the joint Rodman-Obama visit but they can not be taken seriously. This article, for example, at blAck American News suggests
Breaking news: North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un has threatened the United States with an all-out nuclear attack that he says will be merciless. President Obama, now is the time to send Dennis Rodman back to North Korean, mm-hmm, strapped to the tip of a missile. That’s called two for one.
Stuff and nonsense, as demonstrated by recent miraculous signs such as a Goldfish Cracker bearing an unmistakable image of President Obama and
former President Carter Dear Leader Kim joining hands to sing Kumbaya Kimbaya. There will be many more such signs of divine approbation as the date of the visit approaches.
Having caused the
economy sea to fall, and being the physical embodiment of everything divine, President Obama might seem to present a challenge to properly deified young Kim Jong-un, but his (President Obama’s) much celebrated true humility will make all well.
Dear Leader Kim and Press Secretary (formerly Ambassador) Rodman were recently seen discussing President Obama’s much anticipated visit, which The Dear leader and all within hearing range applauded. Showing proper deference Ambassador Rodman, though noticeably taller than Dear Leader Kim, kept his clapping hands beneath those of the Dear Leader.
The discussion went well and Dear Leader expressed delighted hope that President Obama would soon visit. However, due to President Obama’s mountainous workload of presidential fund raising, speaking engagements, golf and the like, the visit had to be delayed until next week. That was fortuitous, because President Obama now has an historic opportunity to calm the turbulent waters caused by reactionary spirits unleashed on an unsuspecting world by others, including even a few traitors within his own administration. They are being purged and President Obama hopes to arrive in time to prevent an electromagnetic pulse (EMP) or other attack on the United States.
In advance of the presidential visit, his (I am ashamed to refer to them in this way) Librul admirers on the West Coast were busy posting “Nuke Free Zone” signs to prevent any problems there regardless of the outcome of President Obama’s visit. In doing so, they demonstrated a shameful lack of belief in President Obama’s unparalleled negotiating skills. They also appear to have mistaken Dear Leader Kim for a common criminal. Although it is well known that common criminals in the United States have long been persuaded by similar signs not to carry firearms, the Dear Leader is not a common criminal and knows better. So should the patriotic but misguided well-wishers on the West Coast.
What concessions will President Obama offer to demonstrate his good will and to encourage Dear Leader Kim to trust him? There are many possibilities, some of them suggested by this article by Jim Moran at PJ Tatler. Even though they do not go far enough, the obviously mistaken author claims that they go too far. Here are a few of the most likely possibilities.
1. The United States will immediately dispose of all of its nuclear weapons by transferring them, their delivery vehicles and the technology on which both are based to our dear, peace loving friends in North Korea, Iran, Egypt and the noble freedom fighters of Syria. If desired, additional technical assistance will also be provided. There could be no better way to encourage them to trust us than by showing that we trust them! Every effort will also be made to persuade Zionist Prime Minister Netanyahu to do the same. These steps are generally consistent with a perceptive article in the Christian Science Monitor:
In the past few decades, a dozen countries have given up their nuclear programs or handed over nuclear weapons on their soil. After the breakup of the Soviet Union in 1991, for example, Kazakhstan cooperated with Russia and the US to hand over the weapons in its possession. Most of those nations chose to seek safety in being a nation of peace, goodwill, and prosperity while also relying on an international system that depends to a large degree on the US maintaining it.
And most nations abide by international agreements banning the use of chemical and biological weapons. Fear of those weapons has been largely contained.
Yet as more nations like North Korea obtain nuclear weapons, and as the US struggles to keep a credible nuclear umbrella over its allies from Asia to Europe to the Middle East, the world needs to find a replacement for the current system of maintaining stability based on the mutual fear of nuclear war.
2. President Obama will propose a clear pathway to peace on the Korean Peninsula based on the immediate and continuing delivery of large quantities of rice, soy flour, meat, luxury beverages, electronic baubles and even menu suggestions prepared by his own dear wife, Michelle, to North Korea. She is presently working diligently to compose innovative and healthy recipes for fermented cabbage. No restrictions will be imposed in misguided attempt to dictate the beneficiaries of these well deserved offerings to all of the people of North Korea.
3. President Obama has already ordered the Congress of the United States, immediately, to grant at least fifty billion dollars in annual foreign assistance to the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea, in addition to an immediate bonus of two hundred billion dollars to atone in small part for our prior neglect and to show the appreciation of President Obama’s People for North Korea’s gracious acceptance of our poor efforts to make amends. President Obama plans to take the initial bonus with him, in the form of gold and silver bullion, to show our total trust in Kim Jong-un and his people.
4. President Obama will humbly beg the forgiveness of Dear Leader and of the People of his Democratic Republic for the multitudinous insults, slights and deprivations unleashed by pre-Obama American leaders on the glorious Democratic Republic.
5. Should these efforts to demonstrate our sincere penitence fail, President Obama will, as Henry IV did long ago to apologize to Pope Gregory, stand for three days in the snow to await the forgiveness of the Dear Leader and of his cherished people. To our lasting shame, no former President of the United States ever did that.
All of these are among the steps that any wise American President should have taken long ago. Unfortunately, we had never before seen the likes of our own Dear Leader. His legacy is assured. May we all praise him for finally bringing Peace in our Time!
Senator Librul should confine himself to promoting the study of unicorn sexuality.