This advance copy of President Obama’s Sunday evening address to the nation was provided by my confidential informant, the Very Honorable and Highly Reliable I.M. Totus, the Teleprompter of the United States.
Muslims Americans, we live in difficult times. We must wrestle constantly with blasphemous, and therefore false, Islamophobic assertions such as that devout Muslims slaughtered innocents in Paris and more recently in California. I shall continue to pursue with all possible vigor the perpetrators of such Islamophobic speech and thought, which I recently declared felony-grade hate crimes.
Sadly, many innocents who shouldn’t be dead now are. [Rub eyes with handkerchief to feign grief.] However, assertions that they were killed by devout Muslims have no basis in fact or logic. We need common sense gun control, not Muslim control, because those innocents were murdered by guns, not by Muslims.
Unlike Muslims, Guns have minds of their own and usually act without regard to what their owners want. I have had substantial personal experience with guns, having tried to fire one several times. They always refuse to send the bullets where I want them to go. Here’s a recent photo.
If the gun I was holding had been as obedient as gun fanatics claim, it would have known that I wanted the bullet to go away from Me, not toward Me; it would not have pointed itself at Me. Only the hasty intervention of My
Sober Sacred Service agents saved Me.
As some of you may have heard, the folks who held the wicked guns which killed innocent civilians in California have been linked to the so-called Islamic State, which is neither Islamic nor a state. As I have often told you, it has nothing whatever to do with Islam, the religion of peace, truth, human rights (particularly female rights) and tolerance. Indeed, the high regard of Islam for human rights was recently made perfectly clear by the selection of Saudi Arabia to lead the UN Human Rights Council. I can think of no greater, higher or better-deserved honor, with the sole exception of My own Nobel Peace Prize.
The link between ISIS and those who held the wicked guns in California proves My point: Unlike Saudi Arabia and the Islamic
State Republic of Iran, ISIS has nothing whatever to do with Islam; therefore, neither did those deluded killers. It’s as simple as that!
Today we begin our Great Leap Forward, ever confident that we shall overcome Climate Change, the most effective enabler of the Non-Islamic Islamic State, and along with it such terrorist organizations as the National
Murder Rifle Association and its vile Republican co-conspirators. I shall lead the way as always, with determination and confident in the knowledge that you, My Fellow Travelers Americans are, and will continue to be, with Me on this road all the way to the bitter end.
Thank you, good evening, and may
Allah God bless us all, Insha’Allah!