Climate Change Causes Everything Bad

Editor’s note: This is a guest post by my (imaginary) friend, the Very Honorable Ima Librul, Senator from the great State of Confusion Utopia. He is a founding member of CCCEB (Climate Change Causes Everything Bad), a charter member of President Obama’s Go For it Team, a senior member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and Chairman of the Meretricious Relations Subcommittee. He is also justly proud of his expertise in the care and breeding of green unicorns, for which his Save the Unicorns Foundation has received substantial Federal grants. We are honored to have a post of this caliber by a quintessential Librul such as the Senator. Without (much) further delay, here is the Senator’s article, followed by my own observations. But first,

The video seems to have been removed from YouTube but remains available here. UPDATE: Now it’s back up. Although the guys at Trifecta deal with luminaries like the Very Honorable Ima Librul, they fail to mention him specifically. He may forgive them, someday.

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Climate Change is the Root of All Evil.

All efforts to refute established climate science focus on reality and hence are evil.

We all know, deep down, that reality sucks. That’s why the United States of Obama, under the benign leadership of our very own Dear Leader, have chosen to ignore reality in favor of higher truths. We know, for example, that His signature legislation, ObamaCare, is precisely what the nation needs to make us fair, equal, healthy, wealthy and wise. President Obama has told us so, while excoriating obstructionist Republicans for trying to repeal or defund it. Obviously, they suffer from Climate Change Induced Dementia (CCID), exacerbated by the Republican Demagoguery Syndrome (RDS). President Obama also knows that workplace violence, such as happened at Fort Hood, Texas in 2009 and again during the incident this week at the Navy Yard in Washington, D.C., as well as all other violence committed without governmental sanction, are direct results of climate change.

The same is true of all other bad things that happens — war, famine, obesity, pestilence, high temperatures, low temperatures, drought, floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, politically incorrect Racism, distrust of Government, voter ID blasphemies, Republicans, Tea Party Terrorists, Conservatives, etc etc etc.

Although computerized climate change models based on proven algorithms are infallible, there may not yet be enough physical evidence of the horrific effects of climate change on Mother Gaia — and hence on humanity — to convince stubbornly racist climate deniers to stop clinging perversely to their thermometers. According to this article at the highly respected Huffington Post,

[T]he League of Conservation Voters has been putting climate change deniers on the spot like never before. Last month hundreds of LCV members joined thousands of Organizing for Action members nationwide for a day of action delivering unicorn statues to climate change deniers at over 350 events. We launched a tough public accountability campaign in four states — taking climate change deniers to task for their extreme views, and making connections to the polluting fossil fuel industries that fund their campaigns.

However, Climate Change promotions such as this video from the Huffington Post article, which documents the beastly terrorist tactics of our enemies, are not enough.

The article concludes,

But people, especially young people, want action, not excuses. As President Obama’s popular plan to address climate change begins to move, climate change deniers have a choice: deny the science of climate change and risk being viewed as “ignorant” and “out-of-touch,” or they can start to support common sense steps to deal with climate change, a threat that is already too real for many Americans.

I agree. Unfortunately, excessively intellectual, substantive and well documented efforts such as the video may not be sufficient. We need to present a specific plan of action upon which (even) the most intellectually challenged will agree. That is the purpose of my article.

There is indisputable evidence of the direct causal relationship between climate change and all bad things. No algorithms are needed to demonstrate the relationship, and it is not merely obvious; common sense alone should be enough to prove (a) that the climate has been changing ever since the Earth came into being, (b) that bad stuff has been happening ever since climate change began and (c) therefore that climate change causes bad things. Q.E.D.

To end the reign of evil due to climate change, The United Nations, under President Obama’s firm guidance, needs to take immediate action to halt it. To that end, a well compensated team of incompetent bureaucrats and academicians a team of the best and brightest climate scientists has proposed that solar powered lasers be placed at scientifically chosen terrestrial sites to modify the path of the Sun as it makes its daily orbit around the Earth. By merely striking the Sun with massive bursts of its own energy, we can eliminate any solar-induced climate change. Companion facilities to modify the speed at which the Earth travels in orbit around the moon every day will also moderate the Earth’s temperatures to eliminate any need for heating and cooling, vastly reducing any perceived need to burn hydrocarbons to generate electricity. There will be ample surplus solar energy to operate the few heating and cooling mechanisms, as well as any carbon dioxide generators, that may be needed to permit samples of any desirable vegetation to be salvaged for scientific study and genetic modification, pending the development of harmless synthetic substitutes for the highly toxic carbon dioxide gas upon which all vegetation is claimed to depend.

When fully implemented by the United Nations, under the strong Smart leadership for which President Obama has become famous, the benefits to all of humanity will be obvious even to the most dense climate change deniers. Any who obstinately cling to their fallacious notions, and their spawn, can be dealt with appropriately but mercifully.

Climate change deniers being treated at a lunatic assylim

Editor’s Comments

Weary of reading blitheringly moronic articles about nearly everything, from Benghazi to Iran to Syria to whatever, but recognizing the unquenchable public thirst for more, I was confident that Senator Librul would be well (but by no means uniquely) qualified to provide it.

Unfortunately, Senator Librul’s exceptionally concise and brilliant guest article neglects to deal with several weighty concerns likely to be raised by his many colleagues and followers. For example, is the proposal sufficiently unicorn friendly? It seems to ignore their well documented reliance on current solar patterns and Earth rotations about the Moon. What position will President Putin take? How about Kim Chi-un, MSNBC, Think Progressive and Organizing for Amerika? What about fruitcakes?

Will enough fruitcakes demand its adoption? And, of truly critical importance, how about the producers of rum and other adult beverages in Panamá and elsewhere, without whose help this article would not have been written?

Senator Librul’s plan for action will doubtless improve as he addresses these weighty concerns.